The great Hot Dog! Bubble Gum mystery has been solved. And let the records reflect that I single-handedly cracked this case in less than 72 hours. I’d like to see CSI top that one! After unsuccessfully trying to utilize complex forensic evidence to identify the criminal mastermind behind the Hot Dog! Gumming, I decided to get back to the basics. I hit the streets with my list of suspects and kicked it Columbo style. Nothing fancy, no DNA evidence, no crime scene re-enactments, just good old fashioned grilling.
I was always so impressed with the way Columbo could trick the suspects into confessing their crimes just by asking them simple questions. As you’ll see from my exchange below, I think I would’ve made the Lieutenant proud:
Me: “Hey, did you send me some gum in the mail?”
Suspect #1: “Me? Ha! I don’t even know your address. Nope, wasn’t me.”
Me: “Okay, thanks.”
Me: “Hey, did you send me some gum in the mail?”
Suspect #2: “Yeah – did you get it already? I thought you’d get a kick out of that.”
Me: “Ah ha!!!! Caught in your own web of lies! Why don’t you tell that one to the judge?! Hope you know how to play the harmonica, because you’re gonna be singing Folsom Prison Blues for a long, long time. ”
So I know you’re all dying to know – who did it? What twisted psycho could have plotted such an evil crime? To those of you who know her, this will probably come as a bit of a shock, but it was Natasha, in the library, with the candlestick. And the frightening thing is that I wasn’t her only victim. She sent a similar package to Seamus. The disturbing thing is that Seamus just happily ate the gum as soon as he opened the package, without ever giving a thought to who might have sent it. That kind of trust is just begging to be taken advantage of.
Now that the mystery has been solved, the Natasha I once knew is gone forever. I can’t look at her without thinking of the torturous mindgames she put me through. From this point on, she will be known as the Unagummer. I just thank god that she was stopped before she gummed again, or worse, moved on to something more dangerous like taffy. All in a day’s work.

Filed under: General on September 2nd, 2004