I met my husband on the train today. We were sitting next to each other when another woman came over and sat in between us. As the train conductor came by, the woman frantically looked for her December monthly pass, but couldn’t find it. She dug through her wallet and only came up with $2, but the fare during rush hour is $4. It was clear that the conductor didn’t care to hear that her December pass was still in the envelope on her kitchen table. He just stood in front of us stone-faced as he fidgeted with his hole punch.
That’s when my husband stepped in – he pulled out his 10-fare pass and told the conductor to take an extra punch. The woman was shocked and extremely grateful. When she handed my husband her $2, he refused to take it.
“Don’t worry about it. I hardly ever use the punch card anyway.”
Turns out he had forgotten his December pass, too.
I don’t know my husband’s name yet, but for now I’m calling him Orangehat Goatee. He has everything that a woman could ever want in a husband – he’s kind-hearted, generous, and attractive. He’s clearly intelligent because he knew enough to keep a spare 10 pass in his wallet for this very occasion. I assume he has a job, since he had a briefcase and was taking the train from downtown. And when he got off at my stop, he was blocks ahead of me in no time, so he’s clearly in good physical condition.
I love him so much. Sometimes it hurts just to think about it.
I haven’t told Orangehat that we’re married yet. I want to wait a while – maybe like a year or so – before I let him know. I know that sometimes guys can get a little spooked by the whole marriage thing, so I don’t want to stress him out during that touch-and-go first year of marriage. We’ll just keep going along with the status quo for the next 12 to 14 months. Riding the train together. Walking home together. Living life together.
Then, once I finally tell him that we’re married, if he freaks out, I’ll calm his fears by letting him know that we’ve already been married for a whole year. We will have gotten through that “getting to know you” year without a hitch.
“Orangehat, what are you getting so upset about? Baby, we’ve been married for over a year now, and has it affected your life negatively in any way? Name one thing that this marriage has prevented you from doing. You can’t, can you? I never stopped you from hanging out with your friends, staying out late, or dating other women. I haven’t nagged you to do more work around the house, or pressured you into starting a family. The only thing that’s changed is that you’ve been unconditionally loved and supported for the past year. How can that be wrong?”
I don’t see any holes in that argument, so I cannot imagine how this plan could fail. But now, when I finally tell him next year, do we buy each other wedding gifts or anniversary gifts? Doesn’t matter – I just cannot wait to let everyone know that I am Mrs. Jenny Goatee. Or maybe I should hyphenate: Mrs. Jenny Onassis-Goatee.
Oh yeah, if any of you know Orangehat, please don’t congratulate him on his marriage to me. Not until next year. I don’t want to mess up the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Filed under: Orangehat Chronicles on December 2nd, 2004