So I’m off to Seattle for the rest of the week, reprising my former role as corporate jetsetter extraordinaire. When the flight attendants offer me some tomato juice in a tiny cup of ice, I’m going to tell them, “You know what? This is on my company’s dime – just give me the whole can! And let’s make that TWO bags of pretzels, shall we?” And then I will twirl the ends of my mustache and throw my head back as I laugh.
I feel a little bad about leaving you all alone, so while I’m gone, I’d like to encourage you to spend some time with a few of the brilliantly hilarious and disturbingly intelligent folks over on the right hand side. Or you can just play minesweeper. Your call.
But as you stray from my warm embrace, please remember one thing:
No one will ever love you like I do.

Do you hear me?! No one!!
Oh sure, you may seem like the perfect couple, with your fancy house and trend-setting hairdos, but she’s so busy advancing her career and partying it up in London, do you really think she’s ever going to want to start a family? She sees you as an anchor around her neck. You know it’s true.
I can see it in your eyes – you want so desperately to take some time off and be a father. I’ll find time for you, baby. We’ll have so many kids that we’ll run out of names. Twins run in my family – you want twins, don’t you? You were so good to Julia when she was pregnant with hers.
Don’t shut me out, dammit! I will not be ignored!
…
Oops, oh crap. I’m sorry guys. I must have accidentally merged this blog with my letter to Brad Pitt. Boy is my face red – sorry for the confusion! Please disregard.
Well, um, I guess I should go. See you next week!

Filed under: General on December 15th, 2004