Although you wouldn’t immediately think this, there are several key benefits to being robbed, which I will outline in detail below. I encourage everyone to print out this list and keep on hand in case, god forbid, you are ever burglarized.
Writer’s block is temporarily cured
About ten minutes after I walked into my apartment – once I had established that my cats and my computer were still here – I thought, “This is so going in the blog!”
Free wine from neighbors
This usually only applies if your neighbor also got robbed, and has wine. Lucky me.
Sympathy from friends and co-workers
Which often manifests itself in the form of free wine and/or lattés.
Pressing reason to clean house thoroughly
When a police officer puts fingerprint dust on the top of your DVD player, and it’s indistinguishable from the ¼ inch thick layer of regular dust, it’s time to get out the Lemon Pledge.
Plus, burglar hands were all over my underwear! Laundry time!
Built-in excuse for never returning borrowed items
“Hey, Jen – can you give me back my Tori Amos CD?”
“Ohh, didn’t I tell you? The burglars took that.”
“What about my orange hooded sweatshirt?”
“Yeah, I think they used that as a disguise.”
“Uh huh. And my copy of The DaVinci Code?”
“I heard the black market for those is pretty hot right now with the movie coming out and all, so maybe they were planning on pawning that. Look – don’t blame the victim.”
Increased landlord attentiveness
For a short window of time, your landlord will feel a greater obligation to respond to your requests, so long as they can be linked to greater safety. Unfortunately, you will not be able to convince him that a new coat of paint in the living room will deter future break-ins.
Reason to guilt family into giving you more heirloom jewelry
“Gosh, that ruby ring of yours is pretty. I sure wish I had a nice ring like that. But, you know, mine all got stolen. I’ll never be able to afford anything that nice. Sniff…”
Inappropriate outbursts can be blamed on post traumatic stress disorder
“A preferred customer discount card? That’s the stupidest idea I ever heard! Who did you sleep with to get this job? I’m sorry… I didn’t mean that, and yes, I know you own the company, but you see, I was robbed last week.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?! I ordered two Thin Mints and four Caramel Delights, not the other way around, you moron! God – who did your parents have to pay off to get you into 4th grade? Wait… don’t cry. I didn’t mean that. Look – I was robbed last week, so I’m sure you understand.”

Filed under: General on January 26th, 2005