Dateline
Now that the harsh winter is over, I’ve decided to come out of hibernation and throw myself headfirst back into the dating scene. But this time, I’m adopting a new strategy utilizing a three-pronged approach: take a new class, start venturing out into uncharted neighborhoods for coffee and drinks, and test the waters again in the online dating pool.
The last time I tried online dating, it ended with a late night intervention followed by three weeks of intense deprogramming after I fell victim to the eHarmony cult. With the pain of that experience still lingering in the deep recesses of my brain, I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake, so I solicited the help of my most trusted friends. After all, who knows me better than they do? If anyone should be able to help me attract the attention of a prospective suitor, it would be my pals.
Or so I thought.
See, I consider myself to be a fiercely loyal friend. If one of my pals needs help, I’m there in a heartbeat. And I don’t ask much in return, but when I do need my friends’ help, I expect them to be there for me. Yet, to date, they have disappointed me immensely. I gave them all one simple task, but they have consistently failed to deliver. The mission? Help me come up with a catchy headline so that I can post a new personals ad. Is that so much to ask? As I quickly learned, the answer to that is, yes. Apparently it is.
About a week ago, I was talking to Seamus to see if he had any ideas for headlines. He said he needed some time to think about it, and that he would get back to me with some options. We met for lunch later in the week where he pulled out a scribbled list and handed it to me:
As I read about halfway through his list, I quickly realized that something was amiss.
“Seamus! This isn’t a list of headlines you came up with. This is your set list from karaoke the other night! Nice. I can see you put a lot of thought into this.”
He swallowed his bite of sandwich, and said, “What? What’s wrong with using song titles as your headline? Dream a little dream? Birds singing in the sycamore tree? That’s totally romantic!”
I just shook my head and finished my salad. Clearly what I needed was a woman’s perspective, so I made a call to my dear friend Vivian in New York. She’s a writer, so I knew she would have some good ideas.
“Viv, I’m in a bind. I need some ideas for headlines for my personals ad. I need something that conveys what I’m looking for in a date – smart, funny, eclectic. Got any ideas?”
I could hear some sirens in the background as she paused to collect her thoughts. After a minute or so went by, she asked me if I had a pen ready, and said, “Okay, it’s really important that you have an intelligent headline. Something that will help attract someone who’s well-read and cultured. How about something like, Catherine seeks brooding Heathcliff for moonlit walks in the moors?”
“Brooding? I like artsy, but not so sure about the brooding part. And didn’t Heathcliff go crazy and haunt Catherine? Or wait – was it the other way around? I don’t know – what else do you have?”
“Ooh, how about this one? Will you be my Boo? Love, Scout. Get it? Boo, like Boo Radley? But also Boo, like in Hey, Boo.”
“Uh, yeah. I get it. Clever. But Boo was some old crazy guy, right? I’m just not sure you’re hitting on what I’m after.”
“Fine. You can really be kind of high maintenance sometimes, you know? Okay this one’s perfect: Gertrude looking for her Alice.”
“You cannot be serious. Alice B. Toklas? Now I’m looking for Alice B. Toklas? Vivian, did I do something to piss you off?”
“What? Look. Gertrude and Alice shared one of the greatest romances in history. They’re buried on top of each other, you know.”
“Mmm, yes. That’s quite romantic. So I’m looking for someone who will want to share a grave with me, is that what it’s come to now? Uh, hey – I think I have another call coming in. Gotta go!”
This clearly was going to be far more difficult than I had anticipated. And although Vivian’s suggestions were a bit too esoteric for my tastes, she did have a good point about attracting someone intelligent. But since dating is really more of a science than an art, I decided to stop talking to my right-brained friends and start reaching out to the left-brained ones. With that in mind, I called one of my smartest amigos, Dr. Greene, PhD. He works for the government researching human cloning, so I figured if anyone could give me sage advice, it would be him.
“Hey, Dr. Greene. It’s Jenny. Did you get my email about the headlines? Have you come up with any ideas yet?”
“Yeah, I’ve been giving it quite a bit of thought over the past few days. I brainstormed about twenty different options, evaluated the key attributes of each, and then matrixed them out to determine which would have the greatest likelihood of attracting an appropriate mate. So based on my calculations, I’ve determined that the headline you should go with is, Bun Seeks Wiener. It’s short, to the point, very Chicago-centric, and clever.”
I paused for several seconds as my brain tried to process what he had just said, because I didn’t think it was possible that I heard him right the first time.
“Are you mental?! I am not using the word ‘wiener’ in my personals ad! I mean, who even uses that word, except twelve year old boys, and for some inexplicable reason, my grandmother?!”
“Well, I think it’s funny. I would totally click on someone’s ad that said ‘wiener’ in it!”
“Yes, but you would also click on someone’s ad that said ‘poopy pants’ in it.”
“Hmm. Can’t argue with that, I guess.”
“Okay, so what were the other nineteen options you came up with?”
Dr. Greene hesitated a bit, and then said meekly, “Well, they were all pretty much just variations on that same headline.”
I could see this was going nowhere, so I decided that my last hope would be to consult with Natasha. Good old reliable Nat. She wouldn’t disappoint me. She knows how hard it is to find a compatible date. She wouldn’t lead me astray.
“Okay, I’ve got tons of great ideas, so let me just start rolling with them, alright?”
“Nat, you’re a lifesaver! Go for it!”
“Lucy Seeks Ricky”
“Mmm… no.”
“Edith Seeks Archie”
“No.”
“Betty Seeks Barney”
“No.”
“Arnold Seeks the Gooch”
I stopped her at that point, and asked, “Isn’t the Gooch the kid who would steal Arnold’s lunch money? So now I’m a 4’2” black eight year old boy looking for someone to beat me? Do you want me to end up on the back of a milk carton? Little help, here, Nat.”
She laughed, “I was just seeing if you were listening. Oh wait – how about this one – Shirley Seeks the Big Ragu!”
“Hmm. That one’s kind of funny. You’re definitely getting closer, but something’s still a little off. I always related more to Laverne, anyway. Do you think we could get off the TV themes, though? I don’t want to seem like all I do is watch old sitcom reruns.”
“All right. Maybe I need a little more information first, I mean, what exactly are you looking for? What’s your perfect date?”
“Okay, I guess personality-wise, I like smart, funny, outgoing, and creative.”
“Great. Now we’re getting somewhere. How about physically?”
“Well, I don’t know how much I want to get into that in a personals ad.”
“But you must have a type.”
“Of course. Everyone has a type. It’s just… well, I have a weird type.”
“C’mon, Jenny. Give. What is it?”
“It’s silly.”
“Just tell me! This is Nat you’re talking to – give it up!”
“Okay, well it’s just a few little things that I always found attractive. I don’t expect anyone to really have all these traits, but it’s just a list of things I th-“
“Jenny! Enough with the disclaimers! I have to work tomorrow, you know.”
“All right, but you asked for it: if I had to describe my ideal physical type, it would be a tall, dark-haired, light-eyed, gap-toothed, Scorpio, twin.”
Nat just kind of squinted her eyes, and said, “Hmm. I can’t imagine why you’re still single.”
“Look. I told you it was a weird list, but you kept asking.”
“Gap-toothed, huh? What’s that all about?”
“Are you kidding me? I go weak in the knees for a nicely spaced gapper.”
“Really? I find that odd. Do you like there to be gaps between all the teeth?”
“God, no! Just the front teeth. David Letterman, Lauren Hutton, Robert Downey Jr., Madonna. People with gap teeth are irresistible. Where have you been?”
“Okay, okay. So you like gaps, but what’s up with the twin thing? That’s a little creepy.”
Now I started to get defensive, and said, “I don’t want to date both twins. I just always found them… interesting. But to be honest, I’m kind of over that now. I saw some twin boys sharing Chicken McNuggets in the mall the other day, and they kept dipping the nuggets in the sauce at the same time. It kind of made me realize that twins are actually a little weird. Plus they have that whole twin language, and what if they tried to trick me by switching places… yeah, drop that one off the list.”
“Okay, I think I’ve got it. Why don’t you go with something like this: Single professional woman looking for someone to date a few times before we both realize there’s no chemistry and we discover that you aren’t as funny as you sounded in your ad and I’m not as physically fit as I sounded in my ad so then we’ll just lie to each other and say we had a good time and we should do it again soon but we both know that will never happen.”
I paused for a moment, playing the headline over in my mind. I started to nod my head, and said, “Interesting. The truth in advertising route, huh? It’s just so crazy it might work! Let the uncomfortable silences and awkward first kisses begin!”
Filed under: General on April 18th, 2005
April 18th, 2005 at 11:04 am
I would TOTALLY click on that ad!
I always wanted to put “HI HO Ag!” as a personals headline just to see if anyone gets the joke. hehehe
April 18th, 2005 at 12:32 pm
30-something Amateur Tap Dancer In Search Of Blog Fodder–Don’t Apply If You’ve Walked the Squirrel This Week
April 19th, 2005 at 2:00 am
funny and good luck, I hope you live in a better city than me…
April 19th, 2005 at 9:29 am
If I were you, I would just use your website url…www.runjenrun.com…then, the guys could read your blog, and see how great you are. (Plus, it would eliminate all of those who 1. couldn’t read, and 2. aren’t mature enough to comprehend your great humor and wit.)
Seems logical to me…
April 19th, 2005 at 5:29 pm
This was a great post! I came here on BE, drop by my blog and leave me your url so I can come back. (you can leave a note in the “chatter box” on the bottom left without having to actually post a comment…unless you want to!)
April 21st, 2005 at 1:42 am
That’s a GREAT ad. I could steal it, change a few words, make it my own. But then I wouldn’t have a soul…
By the way, is there something wrong with watching old TV sitcoms?
April 25th, 2005 at 5:53 am
This just cracked me up. Plus you look awfully familiar to me. Dunno…I think you need to stop thinking about looking for a mate. The minute you do that it may soon hit you, it happens when you least expect it. Worth a shot and costs nothing (unless you are in a hurry for something)