As I was waiting for the cashier to ring up my chicken-flavored cat treats (free with one 14-lb container of Tidy Cat cat litter), I glanced back at the ever-growing line of post work/pre American Idol grocery shoppers. I was just about to turn back to swipe my credit card when something caught my eye. A man was in line about three people behind me, and he looked vaguely familiar. Wait. Is it? No. Could it be? Oh my gosh. It is. It was Orangehat Goatee – live in the flesh.
It had been so long since our split that I barely remembered his face, and seeing him out of context like this really threw me. I craned my neck to see if I could get a look at his grocery cart. Was he buying a lot of food, or just a little? Is he seeing someone else now? Were there any air fresheners or wine coolers in his cart? He was too far away for me to tell, which frankly, was probably a blessing in disguise because had he been any closer, he would have seen the contents of my cart: frozen pizza, generic nighttime cold medicine, sugar free cough drops, People Magazine, and Monistat 7.
But I’ll tell you right now, had he been behind me in line, I would have given him an earful:
No, I don’t want to talk about it. Look, you made it clear that you didn’t want to work things out, so don’t come up to me in the express lane at the Jewel and act like everything’s fine.
That doesn’t matter. It took me way too long to get over you, O., and I’m not going back to square one. Besides, I’m in love with someone else now.
That’s really none of your business, now is it? No, I’m not going to tell you who it is.
No, his name is not Scott S. Dale, smart-ass. Just because Seattle and I fell in love doesn’t mean I fall for every city I visit. God, are you still jealous over that Seattle thing?
Well I can tell you this – he appreciates me for who I am and sees a side of me that no one else does. He brings out my carefree, creative spirit – something you never even knew I had.
Well, no, I haven’t told him how I feel. But that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that he talks to me about things. At least my relationship with him isn’t one-sided, like it was with you.
Look, Orangehat. What we had was special. I’m not going to deny that. But I’ve moved on, and I think you should, too. I’ve got to go – my pizza is starting to defrost. Take care of yourself, will you?
Well, I guess it’s for the best that we didn’t talk. I don’t want to open up old wounds, and now that I’m madly in love with someone else, I don’t even think about him anymore. Orangehat. Always wearing that stupid orange hat. Wonder if he still has that hat. That hat sure looked nice on him.

Filed under: Orangehat Chronicles on May 26th, 2005