It’s funny, but no matter how hard we try to outgrow the awkwardness that marked our teen years, occasionally we let slip some vital clue that speaks to a less than popular past. Take the game night my friend Seamus hosted a few weeks ago, for example. After our Monopoly debacle, Lazlo mentioned that he wished he had brought a game from home for us to play that would have been less controversial.
“Like what?” I inquired, still bitter from my painful defeat.
“Oh, I don’t know. Like maybe Battleship.”
Since I only recalled Battleship being a two-player game, I needed more options. “Mmmm, Battleship’s okay, but what other games do you have?”
Lazlo’s face lit up a bit, and he said, “Oh! I do have one other game – it’s called Vampire Hunter.”
Natasha jumped in immediately, “Wait a minute? Vampire Hunter? You have a game called Vampire Hunter? How’s it played?”
Lazlo looked a bit nervous as he realized all eyes were now on him. “Uh, I don’t really know. I only played it the one time. I think I remember that you have to go around the board and collect stuff like garlic, and holy water. And there’s a tower. Something like that.” His voice trailed off. “It’s kind of dumb, I guess.”
Before we could probe deeper, it was time to head home, but the memory of this curious revelation stuck with me. It apparently stuck with Natasha as well, because she brought it up the next week when we were having lunch.
As we looked up at the menu at the sandwich shop, Natasha leaned toward me and said, “So… Lazlo has a vampire game. Hmmm. You know what that means, don’t you?”
I fumbled in my wallet, looking for the ten dollar bill I knew I had seen earlier. “Huh? What are you talking about?”
“If he’s into vampires, he probably played D&D as a kid.”
“Dungeons & Dragons? So what if he did?”
Nat raised her eyebrows, shrugged her shoulders a bit, and said, “I’m just saying. We may not know Lazlo as well as we think we do. What if he’s a Dungeon Master?”
“Okay, the fact that you just said Dungeon Master makes you a bit suspect as well. Maybe you played D&D. Didn’t you wear berets a lot in high school?”
“Look, Jenny. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with playing Dungeons & Dragons. I’m just saying that it’s something we should know about our friends. It’s like if I suddenly found out you were Jewish.”
“Wait – did you just compare D&D to Judaism?”
“Don’t twist my words. You need to ask him.”
“I’m not gonna ask him! Why don’t you ask him!?”
Natasha and I exchanged a few more rounds of, “No you do it,” before ultimately concocting a clever ploy that would casually draw the information out of Lazlo. The next time we were all together at Seamus’ house for poker night, I waited until the perfect moment, and then set out the bait.
“So… I just realized that I missed my 15th high school reunion last summer. Boy. Hard to believe it was over 15 years ago that I was treasurer for the yearbook committee. What about you, Nat? Were you in any clubs in high school?”
“Oh, gosh, yeah. I was involved in all sorts of things. Swim team. Student Congress. You name it. Yup, I sure did love extra-curricular activities.” Natasha flashed me a devilish smile as she continued, “So… how about you Lazlo? What types of things were you involved in when you were a kid?”
“Me? Uh, I was on the soccer team. And I was into debate for a while, but kind of got tired of that after my junior year.”
Natasha started to lay her delicate trap, “Really? See, I would have pegged you for a theater guy. You seem like you could play some good roles.” She watched Lazlo’s face carefully for any signs of fear. “So – did you?”
“Did I what?”
“Like role-playing.”
I could see Lazlo’s mind spinning as he tried to process Natasha’s question. “Role-playing? Uh, what do you mean?”
“You know – pretending to be someone you’re not. Fantasy stuff.”
Tiny beads of sweat began to form along Lazlo’s upper lip. He quickly wiped them off, and said, “I… I’m not sure where you’re going with this.”
Seeing that her prey had now stepped into the cage, Natasha went in for the kill, “Okay, let’s just cut the crap. Does the phrase 4th Level Dwarf mean anything to you?”
“Huh? What do you… dwarf? Is that a movie?”
“Look, Lazlo. We can make this easy, or we can make this hard. We know you played D&D – it’s written all over your face. So do you, or do you not, own a pewter dragon with green crystal eyes?”
“NO! I don’t own any dragons!”
“What about pewter warlocks holding crystal orbs? Any of those?”
“No!”
“Wizards?”
“NO!”
“Merlins? Elves?”
“I SAID NO! Stop badgering me!”
Lazlo jumped up from the couch and made a move for his backpack. Since she wasn’t done questioning him yet, Natasha grabbed the strap of his backpack just as he was heading toward the door. She tried to get him to stay, “Look, Lazlo. Don’t be so sensitive. We’re just trying to get to know you better – what are you so upset about?”
Without saying a word, he yanked his backpack from her grasp, but he pulled so hard that it flew to the ground. Just as it landed, something fell out and bounced across the floor.
A collective gasp crossed the room as we realized that what had flown out of Lazlo’s backpack was the smoking gun a prosecutor only dreams of – it was a keychain made out of a twenty-sided die, used by only the most skilled and devoted Dungeons & Dragon’s players.
Lazlo’s eyes widened and mouth gaped as he shot across the room to retrieve the die. I felt a disturbing combination of victory and guilt as I watched him desperately grasp at the bouncing die, trying in vain to conceal the symbol of his sordid past.
Broken by Natasha’s relentless cross-examination, Lazlo lay curled up in a ball on the floor, twirling the die in his hand, and muttering something about hydras and orcs. It was at this point that Seamus leapt to Lazlo’s defense. “Back off, ladies! Because if you’re going to start pointing the geek finger, remember that I know a thing or two about you. Both of you!”
Natasha was on such an emotional high from grilling Lazlo that she wasn’t thinking clearly. She should have just backed down, but instead, she egged Seamus on more. “Ooh! Seamus knows ‘a thing or two’ about us! Go ahead and spill it, Deep Throat!”
Seamus took a deep breath and said, “Fine. You want to play it that way? Does the phrase, Renaissance Faire ring a bell, Natasha?”
[TO BE CONTINUED]

Filed under: General on July 5th, 2005