“Hello?”
“You say it’s your birthday? It’s my birthday too, yeah! You say it’s your birthday? Gonna have a goo-“
“Hey, can you hang on?”
“Oh… uh, sure. [humming to self while on hold] Gonna hmm hmm good time. Hmm hmm hmm birthday. Well happy birth…”
“Sorry, I was on the other line with my mom.”
“Oh. No problem. Well, happy birthday, Dr. Greene! I’m working on a special painting for you.”
“Yeah, I read about your Wild Horses. Thought you were auctioning it off on your blog?”
“Oh, you read that? Well, maybe this painting isn’t for you, but if it turns out, I’ll make you one of your own.”
“I was into paint-by-numbers for a while. There was this super cool one I saw at Michael’s a couple years ago, but I didn’t buy it, and then I couldn’t find it again. It was a painting of [deleted], but don’t mention that on your site!”
“Ohmigod! Are you serious? A paint-by-numbers of [deleted]? That’s so awesome! But so what if I mention it?”
“Then everyone will run to Michael’s and it will be sold out again, and I’ll be stuck painting Sad Clown.”
“I kind of like sad clowns. They’re sad, but still look funny. Because that’s their job.”
“Yeah, well, I’m going to Google “paint by numbers” + “[deleted]” to see if I can find one. Hang on – no frickin’ way! They have like three different versions of [deleted]! That’s so awesome! And this one’s only $14.99”
“Cool. See, after I’m done with Wild Horses, I think I want to do something more inspirational. Like, you know that one poster of the kitten hanging from a tree branch, and then it says, ‘Hang in There!’ at the bottom? I love that poster. Because that kitten’s just not gonna give up. He’s gonna hang in there as long as it takes. We could all learn something from that kitten.”
“So it would appear that you like the kitten.”
“What can I say? He’s a trooper. He’s got the-“
“Heart of a champion?”
“Exactly! I wonder if they have that in paint-by-numbers.”
“Yeah, a cat painting would be pretty cool. Not as cool as [deleted], but still pretty cool. Well, I should probably go – I think my mom and my sister were trying to call me again.”
“Okay, good talking to you. And happy birthday!”
“Thanks! Bye.”
As soon as I got off the phone with Dr. Greene, I checked my email and found this: Champ. It’s so nice to be understood.
Update: Sorry Brando and Neil – apparently you both thought I should stop at the mane, but I’ve got to complete this one. I may have given up on dozens of other hobbies, walked away from high-paying jobs, and passed up free coffee samples at the train station, but no one in my family has ever abandoned a paint-by-numbers. It’s just not done where I grew up.
Elapsed Time: 4.25 hours

Of course, I did have the best idea yesterday – I should have done the painting in reverse: black is white, blue is orange, brown is… whatever the opposite of brown is (Where’s my color wheel when I need it?). Then I really would have carved out a niche for myself in the highly competitive paint-by-number art world. I think it would have looked something like this: Shazam!
Oh well, they don’t call me Jenny “I’m a Day Late and a Dollar Short” Amadeo for nothing.

Filed under: General on October 26th, 2005