All this Olympics fever has made me more aware of the fact that there are other countries in the world besides the United States of America (USA! USA! USA!). While watching the ice dancing competition, I was thinking about how amazing it is to see all these talented people from different countries come together in one place, when I realized that I really didn’t need to go to Torino to find such diversity – I simply had to look at my own blog. But while reviewing the overall demographics of the people who stop by my site, I discovered an unexpected and confusing trend:
RUN
JEN RUN VISITORS |
Country
of Origin: |
Percentage: |
Brazil |
1%
|
Cleveland |
1%
|
Estonia |
1%
|
Australia |
3%
|
USA |
7%
|
Canada |
87%
|
Could this really be true? Is it possible that visitors from Canada outnumber my own countrymen? This really got me thinking – what is it about Canadians that draw them to this site? Do they come here by accident? Maybe my web address is really similar to a hip Canadian record store, and they just stumble here on their way to buy the new Celine Dion album. Because when I was a kid, our phone number was one digit off from an auto supply store, so we would constantly get calls asking for Napa Auto Parts. I would then tell them the correct phone number, right after I quoted the sale price of windshield wiper blades for a 1976 Buick LeSabre.
But maybe it’s more than just happenstance. Is it possible that I connect with Canadians on some emotional or philosophical level? Do we have a psychic bond that transcends international borders? I can honestly say that I have an unnatural affection for my neighbors to the north. I guess it all started when I visited Toronto as a teen. That city has everything: an opera, museums, a subway, a zoo, tall buildings, Chinatown. You can’t get that kind of stuff in Chicago.
Really, you could ask anyone who knows me and they’d tell you about my fondness for the Canadians. Go ahead – ask my friends what country I love almost as much as my own, and see what they say:
Vivian: “Uh, France? It has to be France, because she’s obsessed with French stuff. Yeah, definitely France.”
Dee-Dee: “Hmm. Probably Mexico. We’ve gone there on vacation a bunch of times, and I know she really likes tamales.”
Natasha: “Germany. She does this thing called the German Dance – it’s hysterical – and she likes chocolates. Or wait… did she hate her trip to Germany? Maybe that was it. I don’t know – probably somewhere in Europe, though.”
Okay, clearly my friends know nothing about me, because the answer is Canada. I think part of my love for Canadians might be due to the fact that they are just so darn nice. And clean. People always said that about me in school: “Jenny is pretty nice and in general, seems to have good grooming habits,” so I guess we have a lot in common.
And just like me, I think Canada is often underestimated. Well, you know what? Canada and me – we’re a lot more than just nice and clean. Frankly, we’re really tired of people always taking advantage of us, and we’re not going to take it much longer. To prove my solidarity with the Canadians, I sent off a letter to the Canadian Citizenship and Immigration Department requesting that they make me a Canadian.
Dear Emperor of Canada:
Your highness, I am writing you to request permission to become an official citizen of Canada. I like your people a lot, and think they’re really nice and clean. I would fit in well because I’m originally from Wisconsin, which might as well be Canada. Also, I really like whiskey, and growing up, my dad would always eat these little candies called Maple Nut Goodies. Are those Canadian? Probably. I didn’t like them that much, but he really does. And although I’ve only seen one hockey game in my life, and thought it was pretty boring, I’m sure I could get into it if I had to.
Enclosed please find an assortment of Canadian coins that look deceptively like real money, but will not work in any American toll booth or vending machine. I trust this will cover the cost of my new Canadian passport. Thank you!
Best regards,
Jenny Amadeo
Once I’m a Canadian, those people who underestimated me all my life had better watch out, because becoming a Canadian citizen is like joining the largest street gang in the entire world. The cleanest, nicest street gang you’ve ever had the misfortune of crossing. And if it ever came to blows, each and every one of my Canadian gang-brothers would hold your arms for me if I asked them to.
Yeah, once I’m a Canadian, all I’ll have to do is say the word and mes amis will be on you like white on rice. Do you really want to be on the bad side of Peefer? Carrington? P-Sass? Sween? There are tons more, but I’m not going to tell you their names because then it will be a surprise when you wake up in a bed filled with maple syrup. Zing!
***********************************************************************************************************
UPDATE:
Apparently a) Canada is not ruled by an Emperor, and b) you cannot simply request Canadian citizenship. The Canadian Citizenship and Immigration Department sent me a packet of information on how to become a Canadian citizen, and it looks really complicated! There’s a whole long test I have to take and like, more forms to fill out than for my taxes. Well, I suppose I’d better get started on these questions if I’m going to join the motherland anytime soon. Wish me luck, eh?
A Look at Canada: Citizenship Questions
1. Who are the Aboriginal peoples of Canada?
[Mounties]
2. Which trade spread across Canada, making it important to the economy for over 300 years?
[Baseball cards. No wait… Beanie Babies. Is it Beanie Babies?]
3. What did the government do to make immigration to western Canada much easier?
[Filled in the moat]
4. Name two fundamental freedoms protected by the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.
[Drinkin’ and whorin’]
5. What will you promise when you take the Oath of Citizenship?
[Never to do that one thing again. In public.]
6. Where do most French-speaking Canadians live?
[In hiding]
7. What does the Canadian flag look like?
[Kick-ass]
8. Give the first two lines of Canada’s national anthem.
[Oh Canada, la la la la la la.]
9. Which animal is an official symbol of Canada?
[Centaur]
10. What is the capital city of Canada?
[Toronto]
11. Name all the provinces and territories and their capital cities.
[Toronto, Toronto Territory, and New Toronto City]
12. Which region covers more than one-third of Canada?
[Middle Earth]
13. What are the three main types of industries in Canada?
[Whiskey making, maple syrup making, hockey stick making]
PS – I tried my best on these questions, but if any of my Canadian brethren and sistren out there know the answers, please let me know. Merci!
Filed under: General on February 20th, 2006 | 44 Comments »