Hippy to the Hippity
“Fat Albert, you’re like an out of work school teacher.”
“Huh?”
“Nooo class.”
“Hey, hey, hey!”
No, that doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but I’m really at a loss right now. My knees are aching, I wince when I bend, and the muscle spasms between my shoulder blades have just now stopped. Why? Because some out-of-shape 35-year old office dweller thought that her god-given rhythm and unconditional love for Michael “Boogaloo Shrimp” Chambers could carry her through a Hip Hop/Funk dance class. Stupid, stupid rickety ass old hag.
Holy effing eff, you effing 22-year old skinny effing dance majors who have effing taken this effing class five effing times already. How I effing hate you. From this day forth, I shall call you all Midge.
Effing A.
Here’s what we were taught:
The motorcycle
The lean and rock
The pop
The stab
The side slide
Here’s what I learned:
The carpal tunnel
The spinal contusion
The abdominal spasm
The blown ACL
The whiplash
Mofo.
Well, I’m gonna pop and lock a few Tylenol PM’s, chase them with some Maker’s Mark, and dream of Big Daddy Kane, gold tooth and all. Tomorrow’s another effing day.
Filed under: General on June 20th, 2006
June 19th, 2006 at 11:54 pm
and the award for best use of “effing” goes to…
need i even say?
hilarious.
June 20th, 2006 at 2:59 am
heh, that post was a think of beauty…
June 20th, 2006 at 6:03 am
Heh – wait until you get to my number. My feet started hurting just reading the words “dance class”.
June 20th, 2006 at 6:58 am
LOL
June 20th, 2006 at 7:55 am
Dear Jenny,
I’m SO SAD that you had a difficult class. I know how hard it can be. GAWD! I remember my first time — I just came in after a heavy lunch of three lettuce leaves and a Skittle and OMG I felt SO bloated and horrible and I just know that EVERYONE was staring at my fat ass. So I know EXACTLY where you coming from.
Huggies,
Midge
June 20th, 2006 at 7:57 am
Man. Midge is a bitch.
We love you, Jenny. You and all your creaky bones.
(As a guy that took three ibuprofens this morning to get ambulatory, I feel your pain.)
June 20th, 2006 at 8:34 am
I feel so dirty. Like I was reading a non-cable version of the Goodfellas blog or somesuch.
Now you go wash your mouth out with LifeBuoy this instant, young lady!
June 20th, 2006 at 9:23 am
kb: Something just took over me – I couldn’t control myself!
mainja: Ha – thanks! Watching me attempt these moves, however, was most definitely not a thing of beauty.
RW: We’re falling apart as we speak.
Strode: THX!
Midge: What the eff, Midge? Now you’re coming to my turf to flaunt your perfect body? Well, your kind may have driven me out of tap and jug band and figure painting and printmaking, but Nat and me, we’re not going anywhere. ‘Cause we’ve got heart. Do you hear me? HEART!
Sween: You said it, my brother.
Kevin: Wait… no! Get away from me with that soap… [gak. glurg. akk. squirb.] That was just effing uncalled for.
June 20th, 2006 at 12:57 pm
I’ve taken hip hop classes at Bally’s gym in very unhip parts of L.A., so you’d think they’d be totally Midge-free…but no, I once discovered myself in class with half the touring production of the Lion King. Effing Mufasa.
June 20th, 2006 at 1:50 pm
You need to wash your effing mouth out with some heavy duty Arm and Hammer. (‘Improves your smile, too.) Hi Jenny.
June 20th, 2006 at 1:53 pm
Just as I hit “post”, I swear I saw a blog called “sugarcock” in your blogroll. I can’t seem to find it anymore. Can you please point me the way?
June 20th, 2006 at 5:55 pm
Dude, point me at Midge. I know how to deal with effing skanks like her. You just keep on keepin’ on, Squirelly-J.
June 20th, 2006 at 6:19 pm
Cheryl: Oh man! That really does win a prize. Did they come in costume?
Peef: Come on – I already did that for Kevin. All this washing is bad for my enamel. And please do not ever use the term “sugarcock” on my site again. Dirty.
Tracy Lynn: Awesome – I knew you’d have my back! Did I happen to mention that there are five Midges in the class, one of whom is a guy?
June 20th, 2006 at 6:57 pm
Dear Jenny,
Again with the swears. You have become such a bad ass.
Please video record you doing some of those hippity hop moves and post it on your blog. I know you coulda beena flygirl, but the world should know too.
Love,
Vivian
June 21st, 2006 at 7:37 am
Fear not, for I am totally capable of handling any number of Midges, regardless of gender. I have mad skillz, yo.
June 21st, 2006 at 8:35 am
“The Pop
The Stab
The Side Slide”
What the eff? Is this class taught by OJ Simpson or something?
June 21st, 2006 at 12:02 pm
Hey Midge, with a ‘t’ you’d be a midget. Take THAT!
***brushes hands together dismissively**
It was nothing Jen, don’t mention it. Sometimes its best to deal with bullies on their terms.
June 21st, 2006 at 12:36 pm
If it makes you feel better, I once fell over in a hip-hop dance class at my old gym. And yes, of course I was in the front! There was a bruise…and it was big.
June 21st, 2006 at 1:18 pm
I bet you are awesome.
June 21st, 2006 at 3:10 pm
Girl. I will totally kick Midge’s ass for you. That bitch has had it coming since I turned 30. I hate her.
She sucks.
Better yet, let’s just make fun of her from afar. I’m not sure if these 35 year old joints could withstand it either unless I’m hopped up on my One-A-Day vitamin and a pot of coffee with extra sugar.
But still, I’ll throw rocks with you. Does your arm still work?
June 21st, 2006 at 3:20 pm
Viv: I know – I’m swearing all the time on my blog now! I blame your badass NYC influence. You try to be all proper with the “Dear This” and the “Love That” but I know your real story.
Tracy Lynn: I will never underestimate you again.
Dustin: You can take the hip-hop out of the streets, but you can’t take the street out of the hip-hop.
Shari: And with an “S,” she’d just be a Smidge. Yeah!
Sandra: That’s why I took the back row…
Asia: Only when I close my eyes and let the rhythm take control. Breakin’ 3: Rhythm Takes Control starring Jenny Amadeo!
Mocha: My god, do you all know her? I suppose we all have our Midge to bear.
June 21st, 2006 at 3:47 pm
I feel your pain – literally! Trying to keep up with the younger guys in my gym is nauseating. They look at me and see big, older man – possibly something at which to aspire. I see them and think, Crap! Why didn’t I start earlier. Staying healthy is going to kill me.