Life Lessons
Things you should not attempt after having your teeth drilled for 4.5 hours, and returning home with your face half paralyzed from Novocain:
1. Talking
2. Smiling
3. Thinking
4. Laughing
5. Flirting
6. Drinking
7. Proselytizing
8. But most of all, you must never – EVER – try eating Mrs. Grass Chicken Noodle Soup with Double Noodles because a) the half of your mouth that is numb will not be able to tell that the soup is 1,000 degrees until permanent damage has been done and b) the half of your mouth that is numb will not be able to form its half of your lips and tongue in the shape necessary to actually swallow said scalding soup, thereby causing it to burn your entire face as it gushes down your chin.
Things you should attempt after having your teeth drilled for 4.5 hours, and returning home with your face half paralyzed from Novocain:
1. Reading Us Weekly and People
2. Watching plastic surgery gone bad on Maury Povich
3. Snorting Tylenol with codeine
Filed under: General on October 6th, 2006
October 6th, 2006 at 7:35 pm
Like anybody really needs an excuse for snorting Tylenol with codeine!
October 6th, 2006 at 8:12 pm
Curiously, these lists mirror my do/don’t lists for Things to be Attempted During Unemployment. I think I’m doing something wrong.
October 6th, 2006 at 10:52 pm
Jen:
I was there last week. I had to go back to work with the lopsided face. After trying to eat, the muscles in the working-side of my face were sore from having to do all the work. I finally stopped answering the phone. It took like eight hours for the novacaine to wear off. And they didn’t even offer me nightris (sp?) [lauging gas] to breathe during the procedure. What’s up with that?
October 7th, 2006 at 5:09 am
Ohhhhhh…I’m wincing….I could feel that as I read it.
That’s why I never go to the dentist.
October 7th, 2006 at 10:04 am
Snorting Tylenol with codeine…reminds me of back in the day. Ahhhhh, good times.
Hope you regain the use of your face.
October 7th, 2006 at 6:31 pm
YESSSSSSSSS!!! It’s the perfect Halloween costume idea! All you need is a little novacaine, some special FX make-up for the facial burns, and you’re set. It’s not fair how you get all the great ideas…, like Karma likes you best or something.
October 7th, 2006 at 9:07 pm
Jen, it’s true that I’ve had a few too many cocktails tonight but I just wanted to say…..
I love you.
October 8th, 2006 at 9:04 am
dave2: This is why I can’t wait to hang out with you again…
darby: I think this entire list of activities should be completed, frequently, during unemployment. Except the chicken soup, maybe. The double noodles get kind of pricey.
V of F: No laughing gas? Pfft. Actually, I didn’t get any either, but my dentist worked wonders with this numbing gel – I didn’t feel any of the 11 shots of novocain!
Sarah: As I was sitting in his chair, my entire body tensed and twitching, I was thinking how awful it must be to have a career where everyone dreads seeing you.
Tracy Lynn: Thanks – it appears that I have regained full control of my lips and tongue, which is a really good thing, because we usually work well together.
shari: So wait – my costume is dental patient? Or am I going as the Phantom of the Opera?
Jess: You bring a bottle of whatever you’re drinking, I’ll start grinding up some more Tylenol with codeine, and I’ll meet you in the Burger King parking lot!
October 13th, 2006 at 9:55 am
If these are lessons you’ve learned through experience, then I’m very concerned about item #5, Flirting. Where DO you draw the line, woman?