To: Jenny
From: Vivian
Subject: New Year
Dear Jenny –
Happy New Year! May this year be all about revival!
And I think you should start by reviving your blog! I’ve been checking
it everyday for new stories but nothing but the same pictures of your cats that I’ve been looking at for the past two weeks!
Love,
Vivian
*******************************************
Although I know she means well, what my friend Vivian clearly does not understand is that these past two weeks have been the most trying of my entire life. Not because of the holidays – I had a simple yet pleasant Christmas with my family, bought all my gifts online so as to never have to interact with real people, and actually didn’t gain the requisite six pounds. This season, my stress came from the planning, preparation, execution, and recovery from what any woman will tell you is the most physically and emotionally draining experience imaginable – being a bridesmaid.
Several months ago, when my friend Kim asked me to stand up in her wedding, I was thrilled and honored beyond belief. When she told me that her wedding would be on December 29th, I thought it was perfect timing because I always have to use up my vacation days at the end of the year anyway. When she told me that she wanted to make it easy on the bridesmaids (I was one of fifteen) by letting us wear a black dress of our choosing, I started to feel queasy.
See, I happen to be one of those women who actually prefers having to wear a puffy sleeved lime green floor length bridesmaid dress with dyed-to-match shoes. And here’s why: I don’t have to make any decisions. For someone like me who hates to shop, is not particularly fashion-savvy, and rarely wears dresses, this was my nightmare.
Any dress I want? It just has to be black? Are you kidding me? Walk into any department store at the holidays and ask them to point you to the dress section. What you will find is no less than 7,000 black dresses – short, long, calf-length, sleeveless, backless, frontless, sequined, rhinestoned, cinched, baggy, strapless, strapful, asymmetrical, empire waisted, off-the-shoulder, flashy, demure, chiffoned, ribboned, high-necked, a-lined, classic, sexy, retro-chic, modern flaired, and traditional ball gowned.
When Kim first asked me to be a bridesmaid, I set a personal goal to have my dress purchased by no later than the end of October. I just knew that the prospect of having to rush around finding a dress near the holidays would put me into an emotional tailspin.
So when December 1st came and went, and I had yet to even look at dresses, I started to sweat. I couldn’t put it off any longer – so I headed out to Nordstom’s. My first venture into Ladies Dresses put me into such a state of overwhelm that I just wandered through the racks, lulled into a trance-like state by the clickety click of the hangers brushing against my shoulders as I squeezed past my fellow holiday shoppers.
I left without ever touching an actual dress.
I consulted dozens of friends (well, really just Dee-Dee and Natasha) who told me that J. Crew had a great line of black dresses. Fortunately, they were right. I grabbed three different styles, bought the one that fit, and got out of the store as quickly as I could. But where I thought my stress would end, it only just began. I spent the next two weeks panicking that my dress wasn’t fancy enough.
“Am I going to look like I’m going to brunch? This is a fancy wedding!”
“You’ll look fine! What are the other bridesmaids wearing?”
“I don’t know! That’s the problem! But I just know that Barb is going to wear a ball gown. She’ll look like she’s going to the Oscars, and I’ll look like I had to take a client out for lunch. What if everyone has floor-length dresses? Do you think they’ll be wearing floor-length dresses? Oh – get this – one of the bridesmaids has been a bridesmaid thirteen times already! I’m dealing with professionals here! Shit, shit, shit.”
I then convinced myself that in order to save my outfit, I would need three things:
1. Great jewelry
2. Fancy shoes
3. Whore eyes
I dragged Dee and Nat to DSW Shoes and tried on at least thirty pairs of strappy, sequined, fancy cocktail shoes and had a mini-meltdown in the sale rack and left a semi-hysterical voicemail for the bride. My biggest problem is that fanciness and walkability are in direct competition with one another, and second only to my fear of showing up looking like I was dressed for a PTA meeting was the fear of tripping down the aisle with the lit candle we would all be carrying. I would forever be remembered as that one poorly dressed bridesmaid who broke her ankle and set her own hair on fire.
After purchasing what I thought would be the perfect pair of strappy, sequined, open-toed, fancy cocktail shoes, I got a callback from my friend, assuring me that whatever shoes I picked out would be fine, as long as they weren’t strappy, open-toed, fancy cocktail shoes since we all had to wear black nylons. I apparently hadn’t read my bridesmaid instructions very well.
In the days leading up to December 29th, I returned to DSW, this time with Vivian in tow as she was home for the holidays. My original requirements of: a) easy to walk in, b) comfortable and c) cheaper than the price of my dress quickly fell by the wayside.
“Vivian – come here! What about these?”
“Too casual.”
“How about these?”
“I don’t like that heel.”
“This one?”
“That toe is kind of weird. What do you think about these?”
“Viv – what the hell? Why are you showing me black orthopedic Easy Spirit shoes when I’m standing up in a wedding in three days?”
“No, these are for me.”
“Oh. Then they’re very nice.”
Eventually, I found what turned out to be a highly walkable, very attractive, yet excruciatingly painful pair of shoes, but I was happy. I bought my jewelry the day before the wedding, and found an eyeshadow kit that I knew would make for the perfect whore eyes.
I could write an entire chapter on the events that transpired when Dee-Dee came over on the day of the wedding to get ready, as she was also attending, but instead will summarize in bullet format:
- She ordered her dress, shoes and jewelry online four days before the wedding and had them shipped overnight to her house. Nothing fit so she had to return everything on December 28th.
- In the entire suitcase full of clothing options she brought to my house, she somehow forgot to bring shoes that matched.
- As she was rushing to get ready, she discovered that the nylons she hurriedly purchased were footless. I discovered that mine had a thin slime of moisturizer built into them. When did buying pantyhose become a more complicated decision than purchasing a home?
- The outfit that our consultant Natasha liked the best made Dee-Dee look like a dime-store go-go hooker, even prior to applying eye makeup. We chose a different ensemble.
Ultimately, we somehow pulled our outfits together, effectively applied our whore eyes makeup, and looked completely appropriate at the wedding. The wedding was unbelievably beautiful and went without a hitch, but sadly, the church had some silly “no flash photography” rule, so this is the best photo of me not setting my hair on fire with my candle as I walked – not tripped – down the aisle.
So if any of my unmarried friends are reading this, and you someday want me to stand up in your wedding, please – I beg of you – make me wear the puffy sleeved floor length lime green dress with dyed-to-match shoes. If my friendship means anything to you, you’ll do me that one favor.
Filed under: General on January 1st, 2007 | 28 Comments »
