What seems like eons ago, a woman on the other side of the country decided to run a race, or ride her bike, or compete in a triathlon – I forget which now – for a charitable cause like curing cancer, or fighting homelessness, or researching diabetes – I forget which now – and she had one simple request of her readers: contribute some small amount of money to her worthy cause and she would one day write a guest post on our blogs.
What she didn’t know is that I never expected to actually get a guest post. I don’t contribute to charitable causes because I want something in return. That’s insulting. I contribute to charitable causes so that I can feel like a do-gooder without having to actually participate in them myself. And for the tax deductions.
Imagine my surprise when late last night, I found a link to the following guest entry from Asia. So now, not only did I get to feel like Melinda Gates for the past many months, floating in a cloud of philanthropic euphoria, but I also get a free entry out of it as well. I’m jealous of myself right now. So without further ado:

Guest Post for Jenny [Ed. Note: Alternately titled – Who will be the Biggest Loser? My money’s on Miso.)
By Asia
I have a fat cat. Oh, it feels so good to finally say that out loud! It first came to my attention that Willie was fat a couple years ago when her vet paused in an endless stream of compliments about how beautiful she was and said, WELL, SHE IS A LITTLE HEAVIER THEN I WOULD LIKE HER TO BE THOUGH. And I was like WHAT? WHATEVER LADY.
I went through all the justifications and denials. She just has a “thick and luxurious hair…” she is “voluptuous…” that’s just her “winter coat…” she is a “large breed…” but nothing stopped the taunting and laughter of that cold fat truth. She is a fat, fat cat. So fat, in fact, that my husband has taken to calling her a MUSK OX.

I tried to put her on a diet for the first time. It was in 2005 during the low-carb craze that her vet suggested I try feeding her exclusively wet food. At that point she had already been on lite-food for almost six months in a pre-emptive move against the leisurely life she seemed intent on living. Willie however, absolutely refused to eat the canned food opting instead to starve and/or muscle Edison out of his own trough until she was full.

Lookit how thin she is there!
Clearly her will, then as perhaps now (we shall see), was stronger than any of ours, separate or combined, even pre-cancer. I chose to accept that she was just naturally Rubenesque and have endured Clark’s gasps and taunts every time we drag out the scale. But over the years those numbers on the scale have crept up, ounce by ounce by ounce.
By the way, my husband, a vociferous dog lover, claims to hate cats and frequently reviles them when the subject of their intelligence and value comes up. HOWEVER, he can more frequently be found in the basement watching the news with both his arms wrapped around Willie, nose to nose, cooing gently in her ear. He rarely goes to bed unless he knows exactly where she is and when she doesn’t come in late at night he asks me with a faint quiver in his voice where is my kitty? SO HE CAN JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THE MUSK OX ALREADY CAUSE NOW I TOLD THE WORLD.

Anyway, when the subject of feline obesity came up recently over drinks I was so profoundly relieved and inspired to share this immovable burden with another human being… to speak of it outloud! I am so inspired to make this life style change with Willie. I finally feel like she… we… no, all of us have a second chance at life!

Biggest Loser Feline Edition(tm) will pit Willie and I against Jenny and Miso in a weight-loss competition for greatness because every American knows happiness lies is beating other people and making them listen to you brag. And in being thin.
Everything already posted regarding BLFE is accurate except that each contestant will knit a kitty scarf for the opposing team. Remember Jenny? That was in the gift bag because otherwise if I only have to knit for the winner I will never learn to knit, and that was the point of kitty scarves in the first place.
Let the healthy-living, whole-food eating, exercising begin!
[Ed. Note: Yes, Asia, I totally forgot that we were both going to knit kitty scarves, but I see right there on our official notebook that it says “mutual” next to cat scarf. How could I have forgotten about the gift bag? I think I was in an Old-Fashioned induced haze that night. I’m working on mine right now.]

Filed under: General on March 6th, 2008