Cracked
A few months ago:
Me: “Hey, it’s Jenny, from Apartment 1A. There’s a crack in the ceiling above my bathtub, and I saw some drips of water coming down from it. Seems like a potential problem.”
Landlord: “Hey, thanks for calling. I’ll send the guys over this week to check it out.”
Later:
Me: “Hello?”
Landlord: “Hey, so the guys checked it out and said it looks like an old crack.”
Me: “But I saw water dripping out of it a few days ago.”
Landlord: “Okay. Well, probably what we’ll need to do is tear out the ceiling, find the leak, fix it, replaster everything, and then repaint. Your bathroom will probably be out of commission for a couple weeks.”
Me: “Ugh. That sounds like a drag. I guess if you’re not worried about the crack, I’m not worried about it.”
Landlord: “Okay.”
A few weeks ago:
Me: “Hey, remember when I told you about that little crack in the bathroom ceiling? Well, now it’s huge, and I came home to about a quarter inch of sand and mud splattered all over my bathtub and shower walls. Seems like a real problem.”
Landlord: “Ugh. Thanks for calling. I’ll send the guys over this week to check it out.”
Later:
Me: “Hello?”
Landlord: “Hey, so the guys checked it out and said they can’t recreate the problem.”
Me: “But I had to sweep sand out of my bathtub.”
Landlord: “Okay. Well, probably what we’ll need to do is tear out the ceiling, find the leak, fix it, replaster everything, and then repaint. Your bathroom will probably be out of commission for a couple weeks.”
Me: “Okay, sounds like we need to take care of it.”
Today:
Which of the following will happen first?
a) My landlord’s guys will fix the ceiling
b) My upstairs neighbor and her bathtub will crash through my ceiling, killing me instantly
c) My upstairs neighbor and her bathtub will crash through my ceiling, but miraculously, no one will get hurt and we will have a really funny story to tell people, except for the fact that I will have seen her naked, which will make our rare encounters by the mailbox even more awkward than they already are
d) I will break my lease in order to take advantage of the buyers’ real estate market and finally get that condo with a huge patio I so often dream of
e) I will get a lung infection from whatever toxic mold is certainly seeping into my apartment
f) A nest of cockroaches will tumble down onto my head while I am in the shower, but I will be in the middle of conditioning my hair, so I will just have to deal with it
g) Jimmy Hoffa will tumble down onto my head while I am in the shower, killing me instantly
Place your bets now, folks!
Filed under: General on March 8th, 2009
March 9th, 2009 at 12:48 am
OMG I see the Virgin Mary! Well, actually just the part Jesus came out of. Say, was he born by caesarian? How ironic would that be?
March 9th, 2009 at 1:39 am
I’m going with h) You get tired of waiting for the landlord guys to fix the ceiling… go get a sledge hammer, a blow torch, and some plaster… buy a Bob Villa video… then repair it yourself!
March 9th, 2009 at 7:31 am
don: hey – you just gave me a great idea! i’m going to rip off a piece of that plaster and sell it on ebay. if those other folks can make five figures off a piece of burnt toast, this should bring me at least that much!
dave2: you don’t even know how badly i want to do that! i tapped it with a broom handle the other day, and another cup of sand fell into the shower, so i decided i’d better let sleeping cracks lie.
March 9th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Am I the only person who can see the crack is in the shape of a ‘J’? I’m sorry Jen, but this looks like the beginning of a bad horror film to me.
March 9th, 2009 at 9:41 am
i) Jimmy Hoffa comes and fixes your ceiling, and then you see him naked and it’s really awkward until the cockroaches take him away to buy a condo with a huge patio until he develops a lung infection and is killed instantly.
March 9th, 2009 at 10:28 am
j) The crack is actually a whole in the universe through which strange creatures have been secretly invading. At night, they steal your stuff and replace it with exact copies, except filled with sand.
March 9th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Serap is right … the crack is in the shape of a capital J.
I’d wait to see what other letters form behind it.
March 9th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Never bet against your dreams. I gotta bet on (b).
March 9th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
If given the chance, I will always bet on Jimmy Hoffa. Can you blame me?
March 9th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I think we’ve just discovered your true stage name: Capital J-Crack. Now, please move out immediately. Nothing more can be gained of your time there.
March 9th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Oh, man. I vote ‘d,’ but maybe I’m projecting. See, there’s this curved line in the ceiling above my tub, not really a crack yet, but I periodically envision the ceiling crashing down on me. And yet… I’ve been ignoring it because I know what a hassle it could be to fix. Argh.
good luck with yours!
March 9th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
it should be pretty obvious that there’s an LOLcat living up there, the one from “i’m in ur ceiling…”
March 9th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
serap: i totally didn’t see that! but now, it kind of creeps me out!
avitable: that’s cool – as long as jimmy actually fixes the ceiling before the roaches take him away…
ren: is that why my cats weigh so much? they’re just furry sandbags?
delmer: suddenly my ceiling is like a giant ouija board!
seamus: i never imagined that was how you dreamed of killing me. i guess i just don’t know you very well.
churlita: i think that’s a safe bet.
shari: i’ll stick around until the walls start bleeding. then i’m OUTTA here!
claire: take my advice… keep an eye on it! sweeping sand off your walls is not all that fun.
vahid: so does that mean all this sand is actually litter? NASTY!
March 10th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I think ‘a’ and ‘g’ are just too implausible and since ‘b’ and ‘c’ are mutually exclusive, I’m going for some combination of a mold-induced lung infection with a side of cockroaches.
March 10th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
OMIGOSH…this is just going to be your ticket to financial independence.
You know what is probably up there between your ceiling and her floor? In a building that old…maybe asbestos insulation! Whooo hoo. Cough a little bit, fake a faint or two, and sue your landlord. Retire rich and take that trip to Paris.
Be sure to bring a certain close relative along….heh heh heh.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:33 am
UGGG!That super sucks. Like sucks times infinity and then times infinity again SUCK.
I think D will happen first. Lucky you are not me, otherwise you would get E, F, G at the same time and your period would show up out of no where and ruin your favorite pants.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
That is some ceiling crack. Lazy landlord.
March 14th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I vote D, but only if you act fast. Otherwise B or E will surely happen first.
March 14th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
LIE and say there is a man fallen into your tub. Someone will be right over.