Dave, did I ever tell you you’re my hero? You’re everything, everything, I wish I could be. I can fly higher than an eagle, for you are the guy who got me a pass into the 2010 Sweets and Snacks Expo in Chicago. Today, my deepest, darkest dreams became a reality when I was given a golden ticket, gaining me unlimited access to all the free candy I could eat.

[I meet Mr. Lemonhead, and we totally hit it off.]

See, I have a bit of a sweet tooth. It’s really my worst vice, next to scotch and cocaine. I like candy and lots of it, so when Dave mentioned a while back that he would be attending the candy convention in Chicago, I could barely contain myself. Sure, I tried to play it cool, but deep down inside I was just hoping against all hopes that Dave would somehow finagle a way to get me into the show.

[Chief Wannapop says eat more candy, paleface!]

The only thing greater than free candy is free CUTTING EDGE NEVER BEFORE SEEN candy. I feel exactly like Veruca Salt because now I am a candy insider – I know what’s going to show up on the shelves of your local 7-11 before anyone. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Chocolate covered Peeps, cocktail flavored Jelly Bellies, attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion… all these moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.

Except that they won’t be lost in time, because I stuffed all of them into my purse like it was Halloween.

[Yeah, that’s a giant beef jerky stick on top. You got something to say?]

I tried to play it cool and not be a greedy boor like so many of the other attendees, mostly since I was pretending to represent Dave’s company, but what do you expect me to do when I am faced with the Pez display that is bigger than my apartment? And it’s right next to the Jelly Belly Mona Lisa? And just past that is some crazy vendor hawking Mexican tamarind/chile flavored lollipops? I FREAKED OUT, that’s what I did.

[Da Vinci would be proud]

I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but I am so sick of candy right now that I might eat celery for three weeks straight. After two hours of wandering the aisles of candy and snack vendor after candy and snack vendor, I started to get delirious. That has to be my excuse for agreeing to sample the candy at this vendor:

[You can dress ‘em up all you like, but a worm’s a worm, and it ain’t no kind of candy.]

I had a chocolate-covered meal worm, followed by a chocolate-covered grasshopper. Some guy next to me just grimaced as I bit through grasshopper.

“They just taste like chocolate,” the woman reassured me.

“They taste like chocolate… with legs,” I clarified.

The man decided to take a pass.

I have seen the future, and its name is Pretzel M&Ms. Take a peanut M&M, but remove the peanut and replace it with a crunchy, salty pretzel. That’s right, you heard me. THEY PUT PRETZELS INSIDE OF M&M’s!! And don’t even get me started on the Butterfingers Snackerz. Yeah, that’s Snackerz with a “Z” because they’re too badass for an “S.” As Dave so succinctly put it, “It’s like Butterfingers meets cereal.” All we needed was a pint of milk and I would have made a permanent nest in their booth.

[Unleash your inner rave-tramp with glo-pop pacifiers!]

Well, now it’s time for me to try my best to come down off this sugar high so I can get some rest before work tomorrow. But knowing what I now know, I’m not sure how I can ever walk among the uninformed masses, feigning surprise when a co-worker one day brings in Pretzel M&Ms like he invented them. As the song goes, how you gonna keep ‘em down on the farm after they’ve seen Paris? When someone figures that out, please let me know. Until then, you’ll find me eating my mocha flavored Necco wafers.

Filed under: General on May 25th, 2010 | 23 Comments »