Listen, we don’t have much time.

If you want to do this right, then I’m going to need you to follow my instructions exactly. Are you in or not?

Good. Okay, first, I’m going to need to you to read some random article online. Something that makes reference to the author’s obsession with Joni Mitchell. Something that will link back to a YouTube video of Joni Mitchell singing “Both Sides Now.”

Once you’re on YouTube watching the video, pay attention to the related videos that pop up along the right hand side. About three videos down from the top, you’ll see a video that says something like “Emma Thompson Love Actually Best Scene.”

Click on that video.

It will be dubbed in Italian, but watch it anyway. But whatever you do, don’t take your eye off that right-hand column, because now you’re going to see some more videos pop up. Many of them will be shaky hand-held recordings of a TV screen that someone shot while watching “Love Actually.” Others will be fan-videos with random songs playing over still shots from the movie. Don’t move on to the cute puppy videos yet – I need you to focus.

Go back to the “Love Actually” clips and find the one with Jamie and Aurelia. Okay, once you’ve found it, then I’m going to need you to carefully start reading some of the comments. But watch out – it will get ugly in there. You’re going to read a few comments about the actress who plays Aurelia, and you’ll find out that she is a singer in Portugal. Now search for some of her videos.

If you’ve made it this far, you’re doing great. Next, you will need to go to imdb.com and research the kid from the movie to see if he’s been in anything since then. Once you’ve done that, go back to YouTube to find some clips of Colin Firth. Eventually it will hit you that the one actor is the guy who plays Sheriff Rick from “Walking Dead.” As soon as that happens, go back to imdb.com immediately to find out if he’s really English. Watch some clips from “Walking Dead.”

Assuming all is going well, it should be late afternoon by now. Check your watch to make sure.

Now that you’ve watched all the key scenes of “Love Actually,” go immediately to Netflix to see if it is available on streaming. It isn’t, but check anyway. Listen to me carefully now: this is the point where you’re going to think about re-subscribing to their 1-disc at a time rental program. Don’t do it – there’s no time!

Get out of Netflix as fast as you can and get over to iTunes. From there, I need you to search for “Love Actually” rentals, but not HD. It will take way too long to download.

Go the kitchen and make a sandwich while you’re waiting for the movie to download.

Now watch “Love Actually.”

It should now be Monday. Mission accomplished.

Filed under: General on January 29th, 2012