Oh, I have such exciting news to share! News of a project so important that it could change my life forever and perhaps alter the course of Chicago history. It’s still in the conceptual stage, but I’ve got an exciting idea I’m working on.
But before I tell you, you must swear to me that you won’t let this idea leak out. If this gets out, it’ll only be a matter of time before some idea robbers snatch it up and take it for themselves. Swear to me!
Okay, now that I can trust that this will go no further than this unsecured web connection, here’s the idea that struck me like a ton of bricks as I was riding the Metra home yesterday: I’m opening an art gallery.
[cricket. cricket.]
No, wait! Don’t go! It’s gonna be cool, really! This isn’t just any art gallery, but one dedicated to folks like you and me – the commuters. Initially it will feature found objects, but as word spreads – and I know it will – I will no doubt be flooded with requests from urban artists, dying to show their work in my prestigious gallery.
I’m calling it: the MetraPolitan Museum of Art.
Currently, my gallery is located in the trunk of my Honda Civic. Right now admission is free, with $5 donations suggested and appreciated. Hours of operation are 6:30pm-6:45pm M-F. Once I build up enough of a following, I will move my gallery to its permanent home: an abandoned rail car. I’m not sure where I might find said train car, or how much one would cost, or where I would put it, but it has to be in a Metra car.
For now, I’m working a collage entitled, “Discarded Ten Passes.” It’s a biting commentary on our workaholic lifestyle and throw-away culture. Although not yet complete, the work has received wild praise from renowned art critics Punch and Judy. In fact, upon viewing my initial sketches for the collage, Judy was so moved that she vomited right on my sketch pad. I can only hope that all my patrons respond to my art in such a visceral manner.
As soon as I hear back on my NEA grant, I’ll begin accepting applications for docents. I’m looking for some highly qualified candidates, so here’s a brief job description:
Position: Docent at MetraPolitan Museum of Art
Successful candidate will:

• Look good in train conductor uniform
• Be able to project voice loudly
• Have prior experience riding a train
• Possess proven hole punching skills
• Own comfortable shoes
• Be passionate about art, as it relates to rapid transit

Interviews will take place at Union Station on Track 14 between 5:41pm and 5:48pm each Wednesday.

Filed under: General on December 8th, 2004