No Such Thing as a Free Lunch
This afternoon, while sitting in the train station food court and lunching on my McDonald’s California Cobb Salad with Grilled Chicken and Paul Newman’s Low Fat Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing, I noticed that the table in front of me was overloaded with two beat up suitcases, several tightly packed shopping bags, and a guitar case. Amidst all this debris, however, the owner was conspicuously absent.
My immediate thought, as we live in the post 9/11 era, was of course, that there must be a bomb in the guitar case. Before I could alert the gendarmes, a travel weary, ragged looking old man came over with a sandwich and a coffee, and sat down at the table. He looked like someone who might have gone by the name Boxcar Pete, if this were the 1920’s. I fully expected him to pull out a long stick with a red plaid handkerchief tied on the end, concealing a few items of clothing, a jug of moonshine, and perhaps a harmonica.
Bomb threat now averted, I had just re-focused my attention on identifying the seven different types of lettuce that McDonald’s claims to include in their salads, when I heard someone calling out to me.
“Hey, Miss? Excuse me – Miss?”
I looked up to see Boxcar Pete smiling at me, revealing years of missed dental appointments. He reached his arm out toward me, and clutched tightly in his rough hand was a small jar of what appeared to be jelly. I stared ahead, confused, and unsure of how to interpret this gesture.
“Excuse me, Miss. Do you like apple butter?”
My brain ran through all the possible responses to this question, and the likely outcomes. If I said yes, would he try to sell me some? If I said no, would he be offended and throw it at me? If I said I didn’t know, would he offer me a taste? Think, Jenny, think! What’s the right answer?!
He could see that I was desperately trying to process this unexpected request, so he gave me further clarification, “See, I’m going to Canada, and Customs says I can’t bring food items into a foreign country. I said it was just some apple butter, and I’m just going to Canada, but they said I had to leave it behind. Seems a shame to waste. Would you like to take it?”
When I glanced over at the garage sale he had accumulated on that table, I was a bit surprised at the fact that the apple butter was the only thing that triggered the watchful eye of Customs. From the looks of it, he could have been smuggling a whole nest of rabid ferrets in that DSW bag alone. Certainly he must be stashing some raw poultry in that guitar case.
I thanked him for the offer, but told him that I would hate to waste it, because I could never eat that much by myself. He nodded his head in agreement and said, “I know. That’s what I hate about this – I just can’t stand to see good food go to waste. My cousin made this – it’s the best you’ve ever tasted. I didn’t know it was illegal to take apple butter to Canada. I just didn’t know. How could I know?”
I agreed that it was really unfortunate, wished him a nice trip, and continued eating my salad. I heard him offer the butter to a few other people, who gave him a variety of responses that ranged from “no” to “no.”
But this got me thinking – do I really not like apple butter, or did I just turn him down because he seemed like he might have a touch of the crazy? Would I have accepted apple butter from a man in a business suit? From a woman in a sundress? I had to know, so I devised a chart mapping out my honest opinions on what type of edible items I would, and would not, accept from various people, including close friends, casual acquaintances, and complete strangers. I think you’ll agree that the results, shown below in Figure 1, are nothing less than astonishing.
Figure 1: Analysis of Jenny’s Free Food Acceptance Philosophy:
|
Food
Item |
Close
Friend |
Casual
Acquaintance |
Complete
Stranger |
|
Stick
of gum in wrapper |
Y
|
Y
|
N
|
|
Piece
of gum popped out of blister pack |
Y
|
N
|
N
|
|
Slice
of bread |
Y
|
N
|
N
|
|
Uneaten
half of sandwich (untouched) |
N
|
N
|
N
|
|
Extra
slice of pizza |
Y
|
N
|
N
|
|
Wrapped
mint |
Y
|
Y
|
N
|
|
Unopened
candy bar |
Y
|
Y
|
N
|
|
Unopened
can of soda |
Y
|
Y
|
N
|
|
Open
box of LemonHeads |
N
|
N
|
N
|
|
Black
jelly beans hand selected from large bag |
N
|
N
|
N
|
|
Carton
of milk |
N
|
N
|
N
|
|
Apple
|
Y
|
N
|
N
|
|
Butter
|
N
|
N
|
N
|
|
Apple
butter |
Y
|
N
|
N
|
What I realized is that, although I do not consider myself a devout germophobe, it appears that I do practice germophobia when it comes to free food. There is very little that I would accept from even a casual acquaintance, and really nothing from a complete stranger. Do I have trust issues? Have I acquired an eating disorder? Was I not exposed to enough diversity as a child? Only further research will determine the answers to those questions, but until then, save your apple butter for yourself, because Jenny? She don’t want it.
Filed under: General on April 20th, 2005
April 20th, 2005 at 11:12 am
I would have taken the apple butter. You didn’t have to eat it on the spot did you? I would have then brought it to work and left it in the break room with a sign that said ‘Try Jen’s Homemade Apple Butter’. Work people can never pass up free food (Savages!). You would have done 2 good deeds in one day. If co-workers loved the AB and want more then just say that your aunt who makes it had passed and that was her last jar (the same excuse can be used if they get sick off of the tainted apple butter). Lying can be a lot of work, but people really appreciate the effort.
April 20th, 2005 at 3:08 pm
I’m still hung up on the slice of bread. Why would someone — stranger or otherwise — walk up to you on the street and hand you a plain slice of bread? Do you really look that hungry? Are there onions up ahead? Is the bread-giver aware that you’re soon to be kidnapped and wants you to be prepared with crumbs? Here’s another thought. Are there tongs involved? If there are tongs involved I’m much more likely to take the bread and eat the bread, but I think a lone slice of bread handed to me out of the blue would almost always elicit a “No” response from me. Bread? No, thanks, not now. I’m driving.
April 20th, 2005 at 4:54 pm
It is the programming we get early on that protects us. In this case it is the “don’t take candy from strangers” bit. That apple butter could have been made with weed, hashish, or even LSD. While you may have turned down a great apple butter or a great buzz, you are much better off not knowing.
April 20th, 2005 at 5:01 pm
P: I’m still too new in this job to risk giving all my co-workers botulism, but you’re so right about the eating habits of office savages. I could put an open container of generic cottage cheese by the printer, and people would scoop it out with their bare hands. Wolverines!
J: I’m imagining we’re at an Italian restaurant, and they hand me the bread basket, but no tongs are involved, and it’s the kind where you have to rip off a piece. Or maybe it’s a picnic and we’re making sandwiches, and they hand me the bread.
S: I completely agree. I can’t risk eating some doped up apple butter – who’s going to believe that story? Or worse yet, it might have been crabapple butter…
April 20th, 2005 at 5:59 pm
i dont understand why youll take a stick of gum and not a piece of gum out of a blisterpack – i would THINK that a stick of gum can be dosed ALOT easier than a piece of gum in a blisterpack.
thats just plain CRAAAAZY. ha!
cheers
hooizz
April 20th, 2005 at 8:28 pm
H: in order to pop out the gum, you have to touch it. Casual acquaintances tend to not let you pop out your own gum, because they don’t know you well enough to trust you with the whole pack. That means casual acquaintance hands will touch my gum. No can do.
April 20th, 2005 at 9:14 pm
OMG, LOL @ Jill with her whole bread thing, and I would never, ever pass up a black jelly bean. Oh, those little heavenly bits of licorice… mmmm…
April 20th, 2005 at 10:54 pm
What about cranberry jam? Would you take cranberry jam?
April 21st, 2005 at 1:38 am
How weird is it that I’m here via Blog Explosion? So I get to read your blog AND get credit. ROCK!
That’s quite an ambitious chart you got there. I wouldn’t have taken the apple butter, and I’m likely not to accept any food from a stranger. But I’m a little more liberal in my takings. In fact, I search out food at work. I know where to go. It doesn’t matter to me if I know the person’s name or if they know mine. If it’s out, it’s for everyone. Plus, that list made me hungry.
April 21st, 2005 at 6:48 am
I do not like it on a blog
I do not like it with a frog
I will not eat it with some rum
I would not, could not share your gum
I do not like cranberry jam
I do not like it, Jen I Am
April 21st, 2005 at 12:23 pm
Would you not even spread the cranberry jam
on a freshly opened can of Hormel SPAM?
(sorry) ha
April 21st, 2005 at 4:13 pm
Were I in the position to offer grant money, I’d hook you up so fast with enough funding to turn this into a multi-year study. Though I suppose the question of accepting money from complete strangers might require an entire study of its own…hmm.
April 21st, 2005 at 9:23 pm
Actually, I have no issues whatsoever with accepting money from strangers. In fact, you could stuff it in a jar of apple butter, if you’d like…
April 22nd, 2005 at 11:46 am
I’m with Pete, I probably would have taken it and pawned it off on coworkers.
You wouldn’t take a half-sammy from a friend? But you would eat a piece of pizza? What’s the diff? Eh, no matter. If you’re not gonna eat that, pass it over here…
G