Got to Have Faith
I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have some really great friends – intelligent, funny, caring people who have always been supportive of me and my dreams. Or so I thought. But this weekend, I was shocked and disheartened to actually learn just how little faith certain friends of mine have in me.
On Saturday, my friend Natasha and I attended a bachelorette party for a friend of ours. This friend happens to be classy and well-bred, so sadly, there was a distinct shortage of strippers at her party. Sure, there were some sexy underwear wrapped in pink feathery boxes, but aside from the tastefully phallic candy jewelry she wore, this was far from a tawdry affair.
Given the nonexistent kink factor at this soiree, we all put away our dollar bills in disgust and were forced to actually talk to one another. Eventually, as most of my conversations typically do, the talk led to the topic of competitive eating.
“Last Thanksgiving, I saw this eating competition on TV where people had to eat sticks of butter.”
“Butter? That is just wrong!”
“I know – I think the winner ended up eating like eight or ten sticks of butter. Oh! And then they had another competition where people had to eat mayonnaise! This guy ate the equivalent of four jars of mayo!”
“Okay, I’m starting to feel sick now.”
“Tell me about it – I can’t stand mayonnaise. I couldn’t even eat four tablespoons of it if I had to.”
“So then what would your food be if you had to compete?”
Without a moment’s hesitation, I said, “Pizza.”
“Pizza? That’s way too filling. Now me? My food would be popcorn. I just love popcorn. I could eat my way out of a house full of popcorn.”
“Oh yeah? Well… I could eat my way out of a small cottage made of pizza.”
Natasha struggled to come up with her competitive food category, and then ultimately settled on chips and guacamole. We dismissed that as a very bad choice for an eating competition – the chips would stab the roof of your mouth. No way could you eat them very fast.
Later that same evening, we met up with Natasha’s boyfriend, Farnsworth, to debrief. He was thoroughly unimpressed with our tales of stripper-less parties, but keyed into the debate on competitive eating.
“I would choose White Castle sliders. I could eat at least 15 of them in ten minutes.”
“Fifteen? You would be so insanely sick about five minutes after that! I think I could eat two pizzas in ten minutes.”
Both Nat and Farnsworth laughed in my face, “There is no way you could ever eat two pizzas in any amount of time!”
“No, I’m talking like Jack’s frozen pizzas. Probably just cheese. Maybe pepperoni at the most.”
“Doesn’t matter. There’s just no way.”
“Well, I’ll bet I could eat a pizza and a half in fifteen minutes.”
“Not a chance.”
“You don’t know that! I could totally eat an entire frozen pizza in ten minutes.”
“Nope. Not even one pizza. You’d be totally sick.”
Ultimately, I think I got them to agree that I could eat two slices of pizza in seven minutes, but by then it didn’t matter. Their true colors had shown through. Doubting, non-believing, faithless, and unsupportive – I saw the writing on the wall. It was time for me to move on.
It’s just like I learned from watching the Starting Over house – if you spend enough time hanging around people who tell you you’re not good enough, and that you won’t amount to anything, eventually you’ll start to believe it. I came home that night feeling absolutely dejected, like some kind of loser who can’t even eat more than half a frozen pizza in one sitting.
Well you know what? I’m not a loser. I’m a winner, dammit. Do you know any losers who just ate 3/4 of a DiGiorno pepperoni rising crust frozen pizza while watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, even though the recommended serving size is only 1/3? Do the math, people – that’s like… okay, so 3/4 is the same as 6/8, and 1/3 is the same as 2/6… common denominator of 12, so then to multiply fractions you invert the numbers and then divide by the numerator… that’s like… twelve times the recommended serving! Wait, can that be right?
Whatever – I ate way more than a normal human being is supposed to, and I totally did NOT get sick. Does that sound like a loser to you? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Thank god I have you, internets. You’re the only ones who really believe in me.
Filed under: General on November 20th, 2006
November 19th, 2006 at 8:46 pm
Well, I DID believe in you until I read that you watch “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”… now I’m just kind of frightened for you.
You do realize that Ty Pennington is an inter-dimensional demon here to steal your soul… don’t you?
November 20th, 2006 at 7:55 am
Dude, I so totally would have bought the pizza for you RIGHT THEN. And I would have been very supportive while screaming at you to EAT FASTER.
November 20th, 2006 at 8:13 am
I have faith in you, Jen – but maybe that’s because I eat like a farm hand and, therefore, assume others are comfortable with gluttony, too.
Oh, and the White Castle sliders – eewwww. My dad took me to White Castle when I was 8 and I wound up on the couch with a belly ache. When my grandma inquired as to what was wrong, my dad chuckled before announcing, “She had her first White Castle today!”
November 20th, 2006 at 8:51 am
Boy, you and I could take down the entire Pizza Hut franchise together. I say we give it a shot.
November 20th, 2006 at 8:58 am
I watched the competitive eating comp. where that little Japanese guy in the picture you have there ate….
52.
FIFTY FRIGGEN TWO!!
Johnsonville Bratwurst w/ Buns.
52!!
In 10 minutes.
It was like watching a train wreck.
*urp*
November 20th, 2006 at 9:38 am
you could SO do it! i believe!
sizz
just don’t make me watch. it might make me want to throw up.
November 20th, 2006 at 9:53 am
If there was a town made of burritos and tacos and nachos, I would gobble it all up. I’d get sick and throw up, for sure. But then I’d get back up and keep on eating.
November 20th, 2006 at 11:43 am
Pizza? Pfffffft, you’re from Chicago. Of COURSE you’d win any contest involving pizza. But I just wanted to express my condolences on the no-stripper party. Really, what’s the point?
November 20th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
eat jen eat
November 20th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
I can eat a Jacks Frozen Supreme in ten minutes by myself. Here is a challenge for you Jen:
http://www.schiappas.com/ofallon/challenge.htm
Good Luck, and Good Eating.
November 20th, 2006 at 1:19 pm
Oooo, Strode… gotta love this rule: “8. Participants will be disqualified if either participant regurgitates any part of the pizza.”
November 20th, 2006 at 4:14 pm
You are such a total pig.
Besides, I could eat an entire bottle of Tums (R), th Easy Open grip’n’flip bottle, regular strength, assorted fruit, in, like, a minute. I’ve done it.
I’m eating some now. Just warming up.
November 20th, 2006 at 4:16 pm
…and just to show you I’m a good sport, I’ll strip while I’m eating said bottle of Tums….no I won’t. In fact, I’m not even going to post this.
November 20th, 2006 at 6:00 pm
dave2: I’m with you on the Ty Pennington thing – that dude is ANNOYING!
sween: You’re exactly the kind of positive, “can-do” attitude type of guy I need around me at all times, cheering me on to eat more food. When are you moving to the states?
jess: Ugh – I still haven’t attempted to eat a slider – I’m too ascared.
Chase: I’m all over it! But you’ll have to take on the stuffed crust competition – those pizzas kind of gross me out.
adena: NO WAY!! 52 brats in 10 minutes? Okay, I’m from Wisconsin, home of Johnsonville, and there’s no way anyone should ever eat more than, say, six brats in one sitting.
Sizzle: I’ll set up a conference call so that you can cheer me on without having to see me vomit.
heather anne: town made out of burritos… ooooohhhoooohooohhooohhoooo (my best Homer Simpson voice)
shari: I know, huh? What up with that?! Sheesh. What’s the point of getting married then?
piktor: I’m making t-shirts that say that…
Strode: Okay, I had to map out how big 29″ is – that’s like half the size of my desk! Sooooo nasty! Plus you have to add four toppings!
Sween: I know – I gagged a little when I read that!
Roy: I should probably follow my competitive pizza eating contest with the competitive Tums eating contest. And I can’t believe you just stripped on my blog. NICE! Now my hits are totally going to skyrocket – this is now part of the 1% of the internet that is p0rn!
November 20th, 2006 at 7:17 pm
OK, I went to find an article, so you’d believe me….because they WERE Johnsoville Brats he was eating…IN Wisconsin….and it appears I was off on the count.
He really ate…
FIFTY FRIGGEN EIGHT!!!!
58!!
http://tinyurl.com/ygygsa
*urp!!*
November 20th, 2006 at 10:36 pm
Don’t you know you’re supposed to watch Ty with the sound off and you’re only supposed to eat White Castles after you’ve become very drunk?
November 21st, 2006 at 5:44 pm
Dude, I never thought I’d say this, but I’m totally with Sween on this one. I’d have forced us to IMMEDIATELY adjourn to the nearest pizza providing establishment, and I’d have screamed myself silly as you ate pizza until your head exploded.
That’s just how I roll.
November 22nd, 2006 at 6:28 pm
Yeah, the fact that ESPN airs this garbage and that “competitive eaters” as they are called can make six figure salaries is so wrong. ESPN has gone the way of MTV.
November 26th, 2006 at 8:36 pm
I ate an entire DiGiorno pepperoni rising crust frozen pizza while baking my pumpkin pie last week. Was that wrong?