A Couple Requests
I’d like to celebrate this Independence Day by writing a couple open letters:
Dear Suburbanites –
I think it’s really great that you are coming into the city to celebrate the 4th of July and watch the fireworks and eat some corn on the cob and barbeque ribs at Taste of Chicago this week. But, one simple request, could you please, please NOT TAKE THE F*ING MORNING RUSH HOUR TRAINS INTO THE CITY!?!?
It would just be so nice if my train wasn’t 25 minutes late due to “heavy passenger loading,” which means all you people with picnic baskets and strollers and American flags and sleeping bags clogging up the aisles.
Here’s the great thing – the trains run ALL DAY LONG so that means you can have a whole gigantic seat to yourself if you would just hold your gottam horses until 10:00am or so, when all the people who have to work are already at the office.
Thank you, and please enjoy your Independence Day!
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Dear Generous Ladies –
I think it’s so nice that you have a kind heart and an open wallet and are concerned about those less fortunate than you, but please, I beg of you, stop giving money to the deceptively sweet-looking older Salvation Army guy near the train station. I am convinced he is a dirty old man.
I watch him every day as he clutches your hands while you try to stuff a dollar in his bucket. I feel for you as you smile sweetly and casually try to reclaim your hand, which he grips tightly in both of his.
And I see what you don’t – that as you leave, he turns around to watch you all shimmy away. I know he seems harmless and his Salvation Army hat lends him some credibility, but to paraphrase Gertrude Stein: a letch is a letch is a letch. Young perverts grow up to be old letches, and some of them work for the Salvation Army. It’s just a fact.
I’m not asking you to stop donating – just send a check from now on, because then he might be forced to find some other location where I no longer have to see his leering smile every day.
Thank you, and please enjoy your Independence Day!
Filed under: General on July 3rd, 2007
July 3rd, 2007 at 10:34 am
On July 4, 2003, I chose to give up my seat on a flight out of Chicago. So, my first and only visit to your fair city was by accident during Taste of Chicago on a perfectly beautiful day. The airline hooked me up with a room on the 13th floor with enormous windows, out of which could be seen the entire city. I couldn’t have had better seats for the fireworks, which were extremely impressive.
Holy crap, homegirl. Nice city you’ve got there, regardless of the creepy Salvation Army types.
July 3rd, 2007 at 10:34 am
On July 4, 2003, I chose to give up my seat on a flight out of Chicago. So, my first and only visit to your fair city was by accident during Taste of Chicago on a perfectly beautiful day. The airline hooked me up with a room on the 13th floor with enormous windows, out of which could be seen the entire city. I couldn’t have had better seats for the fireworks, which were extremely impressive.
Holy crap, homegirl. Nice city you’ve got there, regardless of the creepy Salvation Army types.
July 3rd, 2007 at 12:57 pm
So the “Taste of Chicago” is an annual event? Do we have to actually lick the revolving doors? Because you know, they’re scary enough without having to taste them.
July 3rd, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Jen, your blog always makes me want to move back to Chicago. Always.
July 3rd, 2007 at 2:48 pm
sir: i can’t think of a better place to watch the fireworks than a comp’d 13th floor hotel room! and yes, fortunately the cool chicagoans far outweigh the sleazy salvation army reps.
shari: yup, every year, but no door licking involved. unless you’re, you know, into that kind of thing. i’m sure i could make a few calls if you want.
abigail: you’re from chicago? i didn’t know that! even w/ the crowded trains, it’s still pretty great.
July 3rd, 2007 at 4:07 pm
Many many many years ago I was in Chicago for a convention and happened to stay for “Taste”. What fun. I still have the contraption that they were selling (with beer) that was sort of a plastic cup on a cord that you’d hang around your neck, thus leaving your hands free to eat all the tasty treats. Brilliant invention… I feel kinda the same way about the highway traffic that invades my seaside city during drive time…
July 4th, 2007 at 6:23 am
I might add that the sleek herds of spandex’d bicyclists might choose to migrate some other time as well. I think they like the attention, though. I mean, you’d have to, to wear that stuff.
July 5th, 2007 at 8:20 am
Mwaa haaa – “Hold your horses.” Haven’t heard that one in a dog’s age. Thanks for the chuckle…
July 5th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
ha! we were talking about coming out to taste of chicago this year. guess we missed that boat….
July 5th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
I see you have the same problems with suburbanites overrunning your city that we do. Maybe you can dupe them by posting a few well-placed “FREE PORK RINDS FOR ALL WHO RIDE AFTER 10 AM” signs at their boarding station the night before. No doubt they’ll be pissed when they discover they’ve been made to wait for no reason, but hey, you’ll already be at work.
July 5th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Nice requests. I miss the Taste. You can tell I’m a true Chicagoan because I don’t even say the whole thing. Just “The Taste”. I miss home.
July 6th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
I will never give money to a Salvation Army guy on the street again. I’m kind of creeped out just reading about him.
July 6th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
I have another one:
Dear Companies Where People Have to Work on July 4th:
Give your employees the day off!
With love,
T-bone
July 10th, 2007 at 8:25 am
I couldn’t have said it better myself. I also did not understand why the morning July 3rd trains were so packed… were people seriously planningon having their kids out in the sun all day long?!