I have to apologize for my recent absenteeism, but unfortunately, I’ve been having some problems at home lately. There are some issues going on with my family that are sapping a lot of my emotional and mental energy right now, so I’m afraid I haven’t had much time for writing.
I knew that this might happen once I got back into the workforce and stopped being a stay-at-home-mom-without-children. It’s my twins. They’re just not adjusting well to my being away from them all day long. Aside from Judy’s bulimia, I’ve had to deal with a daily onslaught of problems from these two precocious four-year olds, and it’s sucking the very life out of me.
Every day I come home to something new. I take a deep breath as I slide the key into the back door, just wondering what hidden treasure I will find in my apartment that day. Yesterday it was an entire roll of paper towels shredded on my living room rug. The day before that it was the remnants of the laces from my tap shoes, still damp from cat spit. The day before that it was a pile of cat puke on the quilt on my bed. And today, I came home to discover that one of my cats had decided that his/her current litter box isn’t big enough, so he/she decided to leave a foul little gift for me on the kitchen floor.
I don’t need this. I work hard all day, busting my hump to keep a roof over their heads, catnip in their pipes, and food in their bowls, and this is how they repay me? With a pile of cat crap on my linoleum?
I am tempted to get us into some family counseling, but I know from past experience that the trauma of putting them into a cat carrier and driving them even for just a few minutes is enough to push me into Girl, Interrupted territory. I almost drove us all off a cliff when I had to make the two-hour trek with them in my car when I first moved to Chicago. Even though they were both doped up on kitty Xanax, they screamed for the entire trip and frantically clawed at the door of the cat carrier until I just about lost my mind. My right arm was almost shredded down to a bloody stump by the time I pulled up to my apartment. It’s just a good thing for all of us that there are no cliffs in Chicago.
I’m thinking that maybe I need a nanny to watch them while I’m away during the day. Even though I thought they were ready for it, they clearly aren’t adjusting well to being latch-key cats. I’m working on a formal job description for this position, but if you know anyone who might fit the bill, let me know. My sanity and blogging career may just depend on it!
Wanted: Experienced cat nanny to care for two rambunctious Siamese cats. Must be high-energy, caring, and resourceful. Ideal candidate will have experience dealing with feline eating disorders and ADHD. References required!

Filed under: General on October 22nd, 2004