One Jimmy Buffet endorsed Margaritaville brand margarita maker

+
One pair of 1978 Christian Dior sunglasses




X
Innumerable references to snorting cocaine in the bathrooms at Studio 54

=
Outstanding Memorial Day weekend

Filed under: General on May 27th, 2008 | 17 Comments »

The instructor spent the first hour of class talking about the psychology of portraiture and the visceral reaction most people have to seeing their photos and how we typically only like photos that capture us with our “photo front” on and how we don’t really know what we look like and so there’s this: I was wrong. The photos are really quite nice… aside from the ones taken from underneath where I look like a bug-eyed turtle (which unfortunately, happened to be the first ones I reviewed, leading to my eventual freakout).
I’m so glad I didn’t take that stupid Blues Harmonica class.

Filed under: General on May 23rd, 2008 | 11 Comments »

Shall we play a game? It’s called “I would rather…”
Which of these would you rather do? And keep in mind that there is no “Other” option – you must choose one of these options:
A) Lick all the door handles in a New York City train station bathroom
B) Spend the entire day walking around town naked, and running into all your co-workers, exes and relatives
C) Have four root canals at the same time without anesthesia while listening to Kenny G
D) Have a classmate in your photography class give you the direction to look serious while she takes 300 photos of you at extremely close range and then later that week, have to sit through class while the instructor and all your other classmates critique the photos of your face which, at 10 mexapixels each, highlight everything you hate about the way you look and make it impossible for you to continue deluding yourself into thinking that you are in any way photogenic
Because holy hell, right about now, A through C are sounding mighty appealing. Remind me again why I didn’t take that Blues Harmonica class?

Filed under: General on May 21st, 2008 | 23 Comments »

You know, sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s really all too easy for childless folks like me to quickly pass judgment on how other people raise their kids, and get all high and mighty about what we’d do differently.
So now that I remember how easy that is, here’s what I’d do differently: I would teach my 4-year old daughter that no matter how young and cute you are, a) it’s not appropriate to wear a pair of underwear ON YOUR HEAD in a grocery store, b) you lick it, you buy it, because nobody wants to catch your baby mono from that loaf of French bread you were just Frenching, and c) your father is a complete tool for walking around the grocery store in his fancy suit, on his fancy cell phone, letting his underwear-head daughter lick her way down the bakery aisle.
I really just wanted some French bread. I should’ve smashed a cupcake in his ear.

Filed under: General on May 19th, 2008 | 22 Comments »

A co-worker told me he read a news story about a woman in Croatia who was dead for 35 years before neighbors discovered her mummified remains. It wasn’t that they missed her, they were just trying to break into what they thought was her abandoned apartment. I brought this up with Nat and Farnsworth over dinner yesterday.
“In a sense, that story kind of makes me feel good about myself, because no way would it take people 35 years to notice I was gone. No way. Maybe a year, max.”
“A year, Jenny? Right. If I didn’t hear from you in a week, I’d definitely notice.”
“A lot can happen in a week, Nat.”
“Like what?”
“Like my cats could eat my face by then. You know they’d do it, too.”
“Well, I won’t argue with that.”
“That would be just like them, too. I can’t get them to eat this expensive all-meat cat food, but they’d totally eat my face, given the chance.”
“Why your face?”
“Spite.”
Then I drew them a diagram over dessert:

“Wow. Why do you look like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror when you’re dead?”
“BECAUSE MY CATS ATE MY FACE! Way to make fun of my misery.”
Nat tried to smooth things over and show her concern by asking how I had died. It wasn’t entirely clear to investigators, but it was most likely because I tripped on a cat toy, or a summer sausage.
The how doesn’t really matter, it’s all about the when. I just really don’t want to end up like that Croatian lady. I mean, seriously, how embarrassing. A couple years, maybe, but 35? Not me. I’m going to make it my business to ensure that a) people expect to hear from me at least every week and b) my cats become vegetarians.

Filed under: General on May 17th, 2008 | 24 Comments »

Is anyone else still trying to catch up on sleep from last weekend? I sure am. And my fatigue has prevented me from formulating any cohesive thoughts except this one:
I want to own a platypus so badly that it hurts.

Part bird, part reptile, part mammal? With venomous spurs on its back legs? If anyone is looking for ideas on what to buy me for Christmas, look no further. That’s all I have to say. I hope to have other more important thoughts next week.

Filed under: General on May 9th, 2008 | 18 Comments »

There’s so much to say about TequilaCon, but all I can say right now is.
Oh.
My.
Head.
Except this time, I earned every bit of my headache. It was so worth it! Details when I get home…

Filed under: General on May 4th, 2008 | 13 Comments »

I was feeling really down earlier this week. Things weren’t going my way. In fact, I’m home sick today, trying desperately to stop the pounding in my left eye and get at least half a nostril to work. But then I dragged myself to the grocery store for some Cran-Grape juice and I saw something that changed my outlook, possibly forever.
As I was choosing between chocolate and tapioca pudding Snak-paks (I ultimately got both), I looked over and saw a man standing by the milk. At first, he looked like any other man – a regular Joe – but then I noticed something on his head. He was mostly bald, and had his head shaven like all the hip guys do, but along the top of his head he had grown the tiniest of blonde faux-hawks. It was no more than three hairs wide.
I initially thought, “Who in their right mind would try to grow a faux-hawk with only three hairs?” but then I realized what a triumphant tale this really was. Here was this man who had barely any hair on his head, but he said to himself, “I want a faux-hawk, and dammit, I’ll have a faux-hawk.”
And so he did.
I guess what it made me realize is that it doesn’t matter if you only have three hairs on your head or one-half of one functioning nostril, life is what you make of it. So I’m just going to pull myself up by the boot straps, keep sucking on these ginger-ale flavored Vitamin C drops, and start packing my bags, because tomorrow I’m going to TequilaCon. I’m not going to be at my best and brightest, but fortunately, there will be another 50 people there to keep the party going.
I’ll try to post some highlights along the way… but will save all the juicy details for when I return. Be good while I’m gone, and keep rockin’ it 3-hairs wide!

Filed under: General on May 1st, 2008 | 17 Comments »

It’s almost May.
And it’s 35 degrees out.
And it’s raining.
And I’m freezing.
And I didn’t listen to the weather this morning so I only had a light coat.
And I’m wet.
And I just caught a rotten cold yesterday.
And I’m probably still going to be sick for TequilaCon.
And I had to cancel fun dinner plans because I feel crappy.
And my camera is messed up.
And I don’t have any time to get it fixed before my next photo class.
And all my photos for my assignment have a giant black blob on the bottom.
And it’s not the lens.
And I missed my earlier train.
And I don’t have any food in my house.
And I don’t want to go to the grocery store.
And oh look, it’s cat puke.
And this gum lost its flavor at least twenty minutes ago.
And I wish someone would just make me some matzo ball soup.
I feel a little better now that I got that out. Feel free to add any annoyances of your own.

Filed under: General on April 28th, 2008 | 26 Comments »

As I looked for a seat on the train this morning, the grey-bearded man seemed overly put out when I asked if he could move his Chicago Tribune so I could sit down. He held his arms wide as he continued to read the sports section, to prove a point, clearly.
His phone rang. It was the theme song from Caddyshack.

I’m alright
Nobody worry ’bout me
Why you got to gimme a fight?
Can’t you just let it be?
I liked him even less.
I’m alright
Nobody worry ‘bout…
“Hello?”
“No, this is his brother.”
“No, he’s not here.”
“No, he doesn’t have any other phones.”
“No, you can’t reach him anywhere. He’s really difficult to get a hold of because he’s in the witness protection program.”
“The witness protection program. With the FBI.”
“Yeah. Bye.”
So I began to wonder if a) this man had just revealed to a stranger that his brother was in the witness protection program, or b) this man had just discovered the best way to end telemarketing calls ever.
But then he proceeded to belch after each sip of his coffee for the remaining five minutes of my ride, and the witness protection program started to sound like paradise.

Filed under: General on April 24th, 2008 | 16 Comments »