I’ve often heard that if you forget to feed your cats before leaving for work in the morning twice in the same week, they will never let you live down this offense. For the next month, studies have shown that they will tangle around your ankles every time you walk to the kitchen, and then circle their food bowls like madmen, even once you have consistently remembered to feed them two weeks in a row.
Additionally, a recent poll of pet owners across the US found that cats who have suffered this treatment will occasionally look up at their owners while licking the bottom of an empty stainless steel food bowl just to prove a point.
Fortunately, our research has shown that a significant improvement in the overall levels of cat-human trust can be achieved through bribery. Specifically, bribery in the form of a CATWHEEL! OF! FUN!
As you can see, three out of three cats approve of the Catwheel! Of! Fun! Eventually, over the course of the next five to seven years, the majority of cats are able to overcome their resentment toward humankind and their general fear of neglect and abandonment.
That is, of course, unless the Catwheel! Of! Fun! is incorrectly assembled and the sheer weight of two hefty cats – who clearly could stand to skip a few more meals – turns it into the collapsible Catwheel! Of! Death!
Our evidence indicates that the emotional damage in that scenario will be irreparable.
Filed under: General on January 16th, 2008 | 18 Comments »
One of my favorite xmas gifts this season came from the creative talents of my friend Natasha:
Some of you are probably thinking, “Hmm. Why does that image seem strangely familiar to me?”
Well, I’ll tell you why. You may recall this image from the day I was almost killed in my sleep by dead baby twin ghosts at Dee-Dee’s house.
It’s a telephone. It’s a t-shirt. And despite what Whitney Houston would like you to believe, it’s also the greatest love of all.
Filed under: General on January 13th, 2008 | 17 Comments »
This Saturday, Natasha, her main man Farnsworth and I sat at our favorite bar, reflecting on all our good times in 2007 and trying to decide what our drink for 2008 would be. I think it was 2005 when we determined the drink would be scotch, and the habit has stuck with me ever since, so it’s important that I pick the right drink as my annual beverage.
I can’t really get into the specifics yet because we’re still working on the ingredients and I don’t want someone to steal my drink idea and make millions of dollars selling them in souvenir glasses on booze cruises in South Padre Island, but we know for sure that it will have a base of orange vodka. We know this for sure because there is, at present, a bottle of orange vodka chilling in my freezer.
Late on Sunday, against the advice of a wise friend who told me it would be a madhouse, I conned Nat into joining me at a local bar for an airing of the L Word premiere. I refuse to get cable, and the FCC’s crackdown on illegal downloading has left me with few options, but when I got to the bar, there were no less than 7,000 cosmo guzzling, shrieking women staring unblinkingly at the giant flat screen TV’s. I immediately turned around on my heels and sent Nat the simple text message: ABORT!
There’s only so much I’m willing to endure for Jennifer Beals. To recover from my disappointment, I started off on a quest to begin experimenting with our 2008 drink recipes. I walked into the corner liquor store and started wandering down the vodka aisle.
“Can I help you find anything?”
“Uh… no, not yet. Just looking right now.”
“Okay, just let me know if I can help.”
I saw a bottle of grape vodka and started to wonder if maybe we had made a mistake establishing the base as orange vodka. Is grape more versatile? Is orange totally 2006? But what’s done is done, I always say, so I knelt down to look through the rows of liqueurs. Nat had suggested we try chambord as a mixer, but they didn’t have any. I grabbed the closest thing I could find, which was crème de cassis.
As I stood there pondering how cassis (what exactly is a cassis, anyway? a currant?) would taste with orange, I saw what I thought was raspberry liqueur. It turned out to be something called Berry Fusion Pucker, which sounded utterly vile, so I set it back down and headed toward the cashier.
“Hey, if you buy the Pucker, I’ll give you a few bucks off. We’re trying to close it out.”
I glanced at the crème de cassis in my hand, then back at the Pucker, then back at the cassis, and said, “Sold!”
I’m beginning to wonder if my theme for 2008 should really be The Year of the Discount. First I got Cherry Cordial Hershey’s Kisses for 75% off from Target, and here was a total stranger offering to give me $3 off a bottle of Berry Fusion Pucker liqueur just because absolutely no one else would buy it. It’s kind of like winning the lottery. Or at least a free Egg McMuffin in the McDonald’s Monopoly promotion.
So like I said earlier, I can’t get into too many specifics on what else I’m mixing with this 2008 special drink – mostly because all I have so far is the vodka and Pucker – but after a few solo trial runs, suffice it to say that this Pucker’s gonna be good!
Filed under: General on January 8th, 2008 | 11 Comments »
Hey. You should go, “Penny for your thoughts.”
Yeah, just do it. Right now, just go, “Hey, Jenny. Penny for your thoughts.”
Because then I’ll go, “Well, I was just sitting here looking at online dating sites and wondering why so many men don’t wear shirts in their profile pictures. Because really – does that work for them? I mean, it’s always the guys with the six-pack abs, but what’s that all about? No one wants to see that shit. And then I was thinking about how much I like these Cherry Cordial Hershey’s Kisses, even though I thought they would be totally disgusting but I bought them anyway because I was at Target and they were in the 75% off Christmas aisle, so they were seriously only like $0.64 for the entire bag. That’s why I bought two bags and brought one to karaoke for New Year’s Eve. Anyway, so I’m sitting here and thinking about how good these are, but also frustrated at how the little Hershey’s Kisses pull tab doesn’t really work all that well and maybe that’s the real reason these were 75% off, or maybe it’s just that the patented pull tab design never really worked to begin with and this is just the first time I paid attention to that fact. But suddenly, I can’t think about anything except for how insanely thirsty I am and I’m not sure if it’s because there’s desiccant in the Cherry Cordial Hershey’s Kisses and maybe that’s the real reason they were 75% off, or if it’s because it’s 20 degrees below zero here and my apartment is so dry, but it’s seriously all I can think about. I am so incredibly thirsty, and I keep picturing that half gallon of skim milk in my fridge and even though I can see myself drinking the entire jug while standing in front of the refrigerator, for some reason I don’t get up. And then I start thinking about which would be more thirst quenching – a giant glass of ice cold water or that half gallon of skim milk – and I’m really torn. There’s a bottle of water by my bed, but it’s not really cold, and the milk is way in the kitchen. Plus then if I drink up all the milk, what will I eat with my cereal tomorrow? Although I suppose I could make rye toast instead. But the thought of toast makes me even thirstier. And then I start thinking about how it’s getting harder and harder to swallow, and it’s like when you have a mosquito bite on your elbow that you know you’re not supposed to scratch but you just keep thinking about how much it itches. You picture yourself scratching it, and maybe gently rub your elbow against your thigh, but that just tickles and makes it way worse and oh my god I’m so f*ing thirsty, won’t someone do something to make this stop?!”
One cent, please.
Filed under: General on January 3rd, 2008 | 15 Comments »
This is why I love the Midwest.
***********************************************
Update: It is 20 degrees below zero today with the wind chill. This is my first day back to work in a week. That is why I hate the Midwest.
Filed under: General on January 2nd, 2008 | 9 Comments »
I’ve mentioned before that I tend to prefer establishing a theme for the new year as opposed to specific resolutions. An overarching theme gives me enough guidance to accomplish certain goals throughout the year, but enough flexibility to redefine those goals as the year progresses, ensuring maximum success, which is really what resolutions are all about anyway.
Over the past month or so, I’ve come up with a few of different options for my 2008 theme, and have amassed a list of the rejected ones. Feel free to co-opt any of these for your own theme:
1. The glamorous life – This actually might have been my theme for 2007, but since I can’t remember, and I do not yet own a feather boa or an ascot, I suspect that it was left unfulfilled.
2. Less blogging, more snogging – I rejected this one after realizing that these two activities need not be mutually exclusive. In fact, considering the unprecedented number of times I’ve hung out with bloggers this year, I should potentially consider a theme of “More snogging bloggers.” I’m keeping that one in my back pocket for the TequilaCon ’08 theme.
3. Finish what you start – This was a close contender for the 2008 theme, but it lost out due to its unfortunate quantifiability. I am very prone to fads, and start a lot of new activities throughout any given year. If I had to finish everything I started, I would either have to start a lot fewer things or need to find a bigger apartment to accommodate all the completed craft projects. Plus, this seems too much like the “clean plate club” of new year’s resolutions, and that’s just not my style.
4. 2008: Electric Boogaloo – Yet another solid possibility, but since I already failed at hip-hop/breakdance class, it seemed like I blew my chance for this to be an overriding life theme. It might still make a comeback as a mid-season replacement if I don’t like my final choice.
5. ‘08 is the new ‘98 – I’m not really sure where I was going with this one.
And the winner is:
6. Feelin’ great in ’08 – It’s catchy, easy to remember, has a folksy contraction that makes it both hip and approachable, and it rhymes. I’m considering this to be the ad campaign for my life next year. Hey! Did you see that billboard for the new Jenny they just came out with? It says she’s feelin’ great in ’08! I want to buy some of that! Sign me up! I may even try working on a jingle.
Besides, it really leaves a lot of room for interpretation, which is very important when selecting a theme. I could mean feeling great physically, emotionally, financially, romantically, intellectually, politically… any or all of the above.
So each choice I make throughout the year will be prefaced by this question: “Will this make me feel great, or if it doesn’t, will it eventually lead to something that may make me feel great?”
And the answer right now, as I look at this bottle of Macallan 10-year my brother bought me for xmas is, yes. Yes, this will indeed make me feel great. Happy new year, everyone!
Filed under: General on December 31st, 2007 | 12 Comments »
“Aunt Jenny! Hey, Aunt Jenny – you know what? My friend Kevin is only one level below giant demon mage.”
“Oh yeah? Well, I think you’re one level below giant demon mage.”
“Umm, Aunt Jenny? What you just said to Andrew was actually a compliment. Giant demon mage is like the strongest warrior in Runescape.”
“Oh. So what should I say?”
“You should say he’s like one level below rat.”
“Andrew, you’re like one level below rat.”
“Aunt Jenny, rat is level one in Runescape. There is no level zero, so that doesn’t even make sense!”
“Whatever. Go get Aunt Jenny some more wine.”
Filed under: General on December 24th, 2007 | 7 Comments »
“And here we go again. Every frickin’ Christmas she has to go to Target and buy some asinine costume. This probably isn’t even a cat costume. Probably for some deformed little pug. Pugs have no self respect.”
“Look closely at this face. I want you to remember this face, because it’s the last thing you’ll see when I come at you like a Tasmanian devil later tonight.”
“Now where the heck are her Uggs? I’ll start by vomiting in them.”
Filed under: General on December 18th, 2007 | 13 Comments »
I got a lot of things last week in Portland. First of all, I got an Old Fashioned.
Then inside that Old Fashioned, I got an ice cube. Frozen atop that ice cube, I got a cigarette butt.
That’s when I got the manager (or rather, our hostess with the mostess, Sibyl, got the manager).
Then I got an apology, a free tray of salted nuts and a round of drinks on the house.
Suddenly, I got a guilty conscience, because really, it was just a little cigarette filter, and I thought it was pretty funny, but the management at that swank establishment took the matter very seriously so later, we also got free cake that was delicious.
After I got a couple gin martinis with extra olives…
…Sibyl got us some games to play.
I got tired of Brandon’s cheating, so I started coloring.
Asia got inspired to draw Crayola portraits of Vahid.
At several points during the evening, I got to laughing so hard that a steady stream of tears flowed from my eyes, enough to fill a martini glass.
Later, I got propositioned by a 60 year old man who gave me a five-dollar bill with his room number written on it in red crayon. I got offended, because it would have taken at least a twenty and a ball point pen to get me in his room.
I got up to leave, and I bid farewell to my friends until the next evening.
After I got off work the next day, I met everyone – now including Dustin, his scientist wife KJ, and their friend Gabby – for dinner later that night. We got macaroni and cheese, because that’s what you do in Portland.
As we headed to our next destination, I got really cold because we were walking for at least three miles in the rain past mountains of burning tires to a bar that served bitter beer, cider and chocolate chip cookies.
Later, we got to release our inner badasses with the knuckle tattoos Vahid brought.
Some of us got hungry again, so we left to get some dessert. I got a little nostalgic and a lot territorial over my banana and Nutella crêpe.
It got to be late, and I got really tired, so we ended another memorable evening together.
It wasn’t until the next morning at the airport when I opened up my backpack that I remembered that on top of everything else, I also got Chlamydia from Vahid. I can’t wait until my next visit.
Filed under: General on December 17th, 2007 | 11 Comments »
