So, I’m going on Day 7 of the crappiest cold I’ve had in a century, and due to my incessant barking cough and raw throat, combined with new cough medicine with Codeine, my sleep patterns have been severely altered.
Last night alone, I had at least a dozen dreams, each more bizarre than the last. I know that telling other people about your dreams is about as dull as telling you about my dental floss preferences (unwaxed, fine), but I’m on Codeine and haven’t left my house in three days, people. Cut me some slack.
1. A blogger I’ve met (who shall remain nameless) was lying in the street all smiley and pleasant. I walked past her and found a severed hand. Turns out it was hers. I scooped some snow off the ground and put the hand in it. We grabbed a cab to the emergency room and happily chatted the whole way there. There was no blood.
2. I braided my entire head of hair into tiny braids. It did not look good.
3. I drove to Milwaukee to eat at my favorite pizza restaurant, but the waiter was horrible and slow. I ordered a small pepperoni and mushroom pizza. Suddenly, all the lights were turned off and I almost got locked inside. My pizza never arrived, so I complained on my way out.
4. A creepy big-headed baby kept following me. She was wearing a very pretty dress, so I told her that she was wearing a very pretty dress. What else are you supposed to do when a creepy big-headed baby won’t stop following you?
5. Something on a boat.
On a side note, I am totally d.i.v.o.r.c.e-ing my doctor. She tried to prescribe me penicillin (which I tell her I’m allergic to every single time I see her) and then suggested I eat a few teaspoons of honey for my throat. So… salt water nasal rinses and honey is the best she can do for tuberculosis. Apparently I’m going to Dr. Quinn, medicine woman. Should I maybe chew on some tree bark for my headache? Strap some raw onions to my chest to cure my cough? What part of VICODIN does she not understand?
So that’s that. There will be no reconciliation. We are so over. In fact, maybe she’s the creepy big-headed baby in my dream. Now that I think about it, her dress wasn’t even all that pretty.

Filed under: General on May 5th, 2007 | 14 Comments »

I was this close to breaking up with my doctor today.
My friends would probably be like, “Remember the good times, don’t throw it all away, you guys seemed great together,” but here’s the thing – I just don’t feel like we communicate anymore.
It’s just that she keeps telling me the same things – this is like the third time she’s diagnosed me with post-nasal drip when I’ve gone in to her with cold symptoms. Now, some people might say that if I’ve had the symptoms of post-nasal drip three times in the past few years, maybe I really do have it. Nonsense! If I really had it, wouldn’t I have the symptoms all the time?
Is it like with cops, where they have a quota of tickets to give out each month, but she has a quota of post-nasal drip diagnoses to dole out?
Well, quota or not, I took her nasal steroid sample and written directions for what she called a “nasal rinse” and stormed out of the office. While I was waiting for the elevator, I started to glance over the directions:
Equipment needed:
• Bulb syringe
• Tap water
• Table salt
• Baking soda
• Tissues
“Bulb syringe?” I thought. “Isn’t that like those baby snot turkey baster things?”
I went to the drugstore and searched the aisles for bulb syringes, but they were nowhere to be found. This left me no choice but to wait in line at the pharmacy counter and ask for assistance.
“Uh, hi. Yeah, I’m trying to find where you keep the bulb syringes…”
“I’m sorry, what are you looking for?”
“Bulb syringes. You know… for noses?”
“Is it for you or for the baby?”
I looked around to see if some random baby had sidled up to me, but there was just a woman who looked a lot like Shelley Winters standing behind me. I could see her white hair peeking out at her temples from underneath the brown wavy wig she was wearing.
“No, it’s for me. I… I don’t have a baby. I mean, is that okay? Is that all right with you… J. Mitchell? Is there some law that says single women without children can’t buy bulb syringes? Are you judging me? You’re totally judging me. Christ, you have some nerve. All you holier than thou pharmacists, looking down on people like me, with your white lab coats and your Prilosec pens and your sensible shoes and your glasses on a chain. God! It’s not like I just asked you for 100 boxes of Sudafed and some drain cleaner. I JUST WANT TO RINSE OUT THE MUCUS IN MY NASAL PASSAGES, INCLUDING THE HARD TO REACH POSTERIOR NASOPHARYNGEAL AREA! Little help!?!?”
“Aisle 15, ma’am.”
“You’re damn right it is.”
I found the adult equivalent of a baby snot turkey baster, and picked up some red seedless grapes and cinnamon Altoids on the way out, just so it wouldn’t seem like I just came there for the nose thing. Let them think it was an impulse purchase.
As I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, braces removed to reveal my missing tooth, hair pulled back in a pony tail to avoid the inevitable torrent that was about to shoot out of my nose, saline filled syringe slowly nearing my right nostril, I thought to myself, “Jenny? You have truly reached a new low today.”
I glanced over at the directions sitting on the edge of my sink:
1. Lean over sink.
2. Keep your mouth open without holding your breath.
3. Place syringe inside one nostril and gently squeeze until the solution starts draining FROM THE OTHER FRICKIN’ NOSTRIL!!!!! (emphasis mine)
4. If tolerable, sniff in any residual solution remaining in the nasal passage prior to blowing nose.
5. Some solution will reach the back of the throat, so please spit it out.
6. Repeat steps 3-5 for your other nostril.
A few quick breathing exercises to gear myself up… and then I squeezed.
It was the unforgettable sensation of childhood pool parties where you got a little too rowdy and ended up snorting a quarter cup of chlorinated water. Then you would call a time out while you blew your nose into the nearest towel.
But here’s the thing: I think I kind of liked it. I breathed a little easier when it was all over, and more importantly, psychologically I felt like my nose had been purified. All the toxins and cat hair and coal dust and Ritalin I inhale on a daily basis came rushing out the other side, leaving me with what I imagined to be pink healthy nasal passages.
It remains to be seen if this will actually cure the cough, sore throat, weepy eyes, fatigue and headache that I originally went into her office with, but for now, it looks like she dodged a bullet. I won’t be dumping her just yet, but mark my words: if I come in to see her with a back ache next time and she prescribes a high-colonic, we’re totally over.

Filed under: General on May 2nd, 2007 | 15 Comments »

Let me say this: it’s a good thing that Portland has strict anti-polygamy laws and a dearth of 24-hour wedding chapels, because if it didn’t, I would’ve found myself smack dab in the thick of marital bliss with Brandon, Asia, and Vahid after my dinner on Wednesday. I laughed until I wept so many deadly tears, and when the ache in my side became too great to bear, I measured my breathing and wiped my eyes. But then a soft snicker would rise up and the cycle began again. It was a massacre of sorts.
The evening began as all good nights out should – at a posh, over-priced bar sipping bourbon and eating cornichons. It was the kind of place that made you wish you wore a monocle. I met up with Brandon, Vahid and Sibyl for a quick drink before we were to join Asia for dinner, and Brandon easily convinced me that one salted almond would cure me of my “drinking on an empty stomach” fears. Sibyl claimed that she couldn’t join us for dinner because she had roller derby practice, but I suspect it was actually because I made her uncomfortable when I kept asking if I could post a weekly photo of her on my site to drive traffic. This younger generation and their integrity really get my goat. She left me no choice but to repost this one from TequilaCon:

Early on in the evening, I discovered a new talent, which is the ability to draw all conversation to a screeching and awkward halt through the introduction of inappropriate references to various sites I’ve found on the interweb.
I feel like it was apropos of something, although now I can’t imagine what, but at one point, I brought up this particularly disturbing viral internet phenomenon that I hadn’t actually seen myself, but had read about. Brandon just stared at me blankly and kept saying “goat cheese?” but fortunately, Vahid knew what I was talking about as he had seen it in gory detail with his own once innocent eyes.
I can’t actually link to what we were discussing because that might encourage the kind of visitors no one really wants at their site, and because you would have to pluck out your eyes if you saw it, but trust me when I say that this: nothing is ever truly gone from the internet. I told my companions that the site in question had long been taken down, but my persistent references nagged at their curiosity so much that several vodka gimlets, a bottle of Pinot Noir, and some Makers Mark manhattans later we all found ourselves in a lonely corner of a dark bar, crouched over Brandon’s shiny pocket pc.

Brandon and Asia are on a mission

Vahid tries to protect me

We can’t look away

Innocence lost
It was not unlike the one and only time I saw the movie Requiem for a Dream – I found myself transfixed and repulsed all at once, and wished I could erase the memories from my brain. Scenes from that movie flashed in my head for weeks later, much like the unintentional reminders of this image that would haunt the rest of my Portland visit.
But let me say this: I cannot think of anyone I would rather be emotionally scarred with than these three people. If Stockholm Syndrome is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

Filed under: General on April 30th, 2007 | 13 Comments »

On my flight back last night (this morning?), the man next to me appeared to be dead. He hadn’t moved in three hours and was kind of slumped over. I started to imagine what I would do if I had to fly next to a dead person on a completely full flight. Would the flight attendants let me sit in the jump seat? Would they put him in the jump seat? Maybe shove him in the bathroom?
It would be just my luck to get stuck next to a corpse on a four hour flight. Plus my headphones were all staticky (it’s a word), so I couldn’t watch the movie. Would it be wrong to take the headphones off a dead man?
Then we hit some turbulence on our descent into Chicago and he snorfled and shifted in his seat. So he was alive after all. Good thing I didn’t try to take his wallet.

Filed under: General on April 28th, 2007 | 7 Comments »

Since apparently the giant Easter Bunny head is an acquired taste, and many people were severely traumatized by the images in my earlier post, I decided I’d better put up some new pictures. It is particularly important that I do this now since I am traveling for the rest of the week where it is quite possible that I will have MINIMAL TO NO INTERNET ACCESS! I know that you all understand how trying these times will be for me, and I appreciate your support in this, my hour of need.
And in case you were wondering, yes, it is possible that I might meet up with some bloggers while I’m traveling, but that’s not because all my friends are people I met online through blogging. I have all sorts of other friends, too, you know. Some of my friends are people I met online through Flickr, so there!
In fact, I just had my first official photo outing with my new Flickr crew, so I thought I would purge your mind of the bunny images with some photos from the Chicago Botanic Gardens.
It was a very educational trip for me, being a newcomer to the Gardens. In fact, I had such a good time there that I decided to write a poem about it.

A Day at the Gardens by Jenny Amadeo
At the Chicago Botanic Gardens you will find sharp things.


And soft things.

Little places where that one bird sings.

Oh, here’s some other things with wings.


But if someone tries to tell you this is a beaver,

Don’t believe her.
It’s a rat.

Filed under: General on April 25th, 2007 | 12 Comments »

When the lovely and charming Jessica of Daughter of Opinion challenged her fellow bloggers to post a self-portrait taken immediately upon waking up, my initial thought was, “Watchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Jessica?”
Then I thought, “To the moon, Alice!”
After I calmed down a bit, I said to myself, “Oh, Archie!”
And then finally, a little voice inside me said, “Dyn-o-mite!”
I figured, if that ‘lil gal with the sugary drawl can do it, then so can I. Of course, even on her worst day, Jessica looks like a young Cheryl Ladd, so the rest of the blogging community was at a distinct disadvantage. But the gauntlet was thrown, and I’ve never been one to just walk past a gauntlet sitting on the ground without at least pausing for a minute and wondering who the hell wears gauntlets anymore, so this is me – about 8:00am this morning:

I had hoped to get a picture of one of my cats as well, since only moments earlier they were curled up on my chest, but as soon as the camera came out, they started clawing at the camera strap, and ultimately used my stomach as a launch pad to pounce on each other. Unfortunately, my arms weren’t long enough for me to capture the blood streaks across my abdomen in this photo. Another time.
And next time I’ll be sure to figure out the panoramic setting on my camera so that I can capture the rest of my hair…
So now I showed you mine… time to show us all yours! Rise and shine, people – don’t let Jessica down!

Filed under: General on April 21st, 2007 | 18 Comments »

Walking to the train this morning, I saw a discarded pregnancy test on the ground and for a split second, thought about checking the results.
But then I remembered that it was covered in maybe-pregnant lady pee. So I kept walking.

Filed under: General on April 19th, 2007 | 13 Comments »

So earlier this week I was listening to iTunes, reading blogs, and eating spoonfuls of Nutella when suddenly Escape (The Piña Colada Song) came on.
My first thought was: How the hell did The Piña Colada Song get on my iTunes? And then I remembered that Dr. Greene made me a particularly diverse mix CD for my birthday a couple years ago that included such hits as Escape, Push It, and Islands in the Stream.
My second thought was: Is that really what this song is about? I had never actually listened to the lyrics, and was somewhat shocked to find out that it’s about a guy who answers a personals ad, only to find out that it was placed by his “old lady.” Then they have a good laugh and go home together, having renewed their love for one another.
My third thought was: Yeah. Because that’s exactly how I would react if I found out my “old lady” was a cheating whore.
My final thought arrived in the form of this short play:
Guy: “Wait… so you wrote this personals ad? Ohmigosh, that’s so… trashy!”
Gal: “Look who’s talking! Why are you scouring the personals ads for single women, you lying sleazebag? We were in a committed relationship!”
Guy: “Now, I’m the liar? Oh, yeah… you’re one to talk. So now you like piña coladas? Who are you kidding? You vomited for 24 hours straight that time we went to Maui.”
Gal: “Is that right? Well, why don’t you tell me about the last time you made love at midnight with anyone other than your precious remote control? And I’d love to see you even attempt to find the dunes off the cape, Mr. God-Forbid-I-Should-Ever-Ask-For-Directions.”
Guy: “Well, I guess you were honest about one thing – you’re clearly not into yoga, or any other form of physical activity…”
Gal: “Oh, don’t even get me started! I should’ve known it was you when you suggested we meet at O’Malley’s at noon. Where else can you get $1 tap beers and half-price buffalo wings before 5:00pm? Cheap bastard.”
Guy: “Forget it. I knew this was a mistake.”
Gal: “Hey, can you give me a ride home? It’s starting to rain.”

Filed under: General on April 18th, 2007 | 9 Comments »

No, this won’t be a new weekly feature, but I figure if Dave2 is comfortable admitting that he wears women’s thongs, I can admit that I’m absolutely loving my new boy underwears. So, they’re not really boy’s underwears, but they’re boy cut.
And boy, does this cut make a difference. No matter how much I shift and shimmy, nothing’s falling out, nothing’s riding up. I’m actually doing lunge walks and dancing to Chaka Khan all around the apartment just to test them out. Once again, boys get everything cool.
Boy underwears for everyone in Jenstown!

Filed under: General on April 16th, 2007 | 16 Comments »

It’s true, what they say. You just have to grab the bull by the horns. Opportunity only knocks once. And sometimes, that opportunity comes in the form of a block of homemade cheese. I’ve come to realize that my friends and I tend to have a lot of big ideas that rarely come to fruition. Business ventures, artistic endeavors, spiritual reawakenings – they are all brilliant in concept, but lack one fundamental thing: a clear plan.
Fail to plan and you plan to fail, as my 8th grade health teacher always said, and this time, I plan to succeed. This time, I’m not going to let anything get in the way of achieving my dream of creating a new community, unlike any we’ve ever seen. This community – Jenstown – will be founded on the core concepts of personal independence and self-reliance, wrapped in a shroud of blind faith and unquestioning devotion to one leader.
To that end, I am now looking for a few like-minded and dedicated individuals to get in on the ground floor of what will prove to be the most radical social concept since the creation of the flash mob.
All interested candidates should contact me directly, including the job title and brief description of your qualifications. No recruiters, please.
Open Positions:
Apprentice cheese-maker
Requirements: No experience necessary. On-the-job training provided.
Bard/Minstrel
Requirements: Professional presentation skills. Must be willing to travel 50% of time.
Child Bearer
Requirements: High standards of personal integrity and ethics, and fertile womb. Carrier of dominant curly-haired gene (preferred).
Falconer
Requirements: 3-5 years experience in feeding and caring for birds of prey. Knowledge of bandaging and wrapping wounds a plus.
Town Whore
Requirements: Ability to simultaneously manage several projects while interacting with several different people from within and outside of our community. Potential for position to develop into part-time child bearer.
Gossip Monger (2 positions available)
Requirements: Keen observer and good listener. Excellent oral communication and interpersonal skills.

Filed under: General on April 13th, 2007 | 25 Comments »